


A Lot

by Porcelainduck, RoyalCrowOfUnknownOrigin, TheBirdsNest



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 70s, ;), Angst, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Coming Out, Fluff, Gay Sirius Black, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Sex Work, Smut, alright, and shout a lot, but these boys get through it, its the 70s, was a major problem back then socially
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:41:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 38,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27283582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Porcelainduck/pseuds/Porcelainduck, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyalCrowOfUnknownOrigin/pseuds/RoyalCrowOfUnknownOrigin, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBirdsNest/pseuds/TheBirdsNest
Summary: !WARNING: POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE IDEALS!Written as it would've been in the 70s (we assume, we weren't alive back then), so there's a handful of homophobia and a bit of transphobia so pls watch out! We don't agree with any of it, we were just trying to be accurate and frankly, it hurt to write it :(Sirius is getting paid to shag the girls at Hogwarts. They pay, they get sex. Everything changes for him when a guy pays once. Easy, plot done.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

#  **Chapter 1:**

It all started in third year. Sirius had woken up one morning and seen Remus still asleep, limbs already too long and tangled in his blankets. Sirius wanted nothing more than to climb into bed with him, to find out exactly how he smelled. In fourth year, Sirius fantasised of kisses from the young werewolf; and for the first time woke up in the middle of the night, sticky and hot after a particularly intimate dream about a faceless boy. In fifth year he watched James, Peter, and (worst of all) Remus talk about girls late into the nights. That was the year he decided that pretending would be better than telling, better than the screams of his mother and the blunt fists of his father. Maybe if he snogged a girl it would change this, change him? Sixth year came and snogging seemed pointless. He gained a reputation. He was hot and available to any girl who'd ask, to do anything they asked for, for a good enough price. Not much. And he did. With every hidden hand job, every secret shag, he'd hope that one of these girls would be the one to change him. They never did. Then came seventh year.

‘Hey Sirius, where are you going?’

‘Gotta go do something, family things you know?’

Sirius walked out of the common room, towards the portrait hole. He left, leaving Remus looking confused. He decided to ask James about it, he  _ was _ Sirius' best friend after all.

‘Where’s he always off to? He’s gone doing ‘family things’ a lot.’

'You don't know?'

‘No?’

'I'd have thought he'd have told you.'

‘Well, you thought wrong.’

'Well, if he hasn't said anything, I don't know if I should…'

‘It’s that or I ask him myself.’

'Okay, shit, yeah, fine, I'll tell you; save you the awkward conversation.'

‘Thanks.’

James ran a hand through his hair, looking away awkwardly.

'Sirius is… kinda… a sex worker?'

‘Sex worker?!’

'Yeah… he sells sex to any of-age girls who want it, and are willing to pay.'

‘Any age?!’

'Any  _ of-age _ girl, the  _ of _ is important.'

Remus let out a breath.

‘Thank Merlin, I could've killed him.’

Remus felt a pain in his chest, which he just dismissed as an ‘I’m mildly disappointed in you’ pain. It wasn’t, that pain doesn’t hurt in your chest.

'Yeah, well, that's basically it. There's an abandoned secret tower room thing that sticks out of the fifth floor that's almost completely round and is only accessible if you compliment the hag in the portrait in the corner. We found it by accident in fourth year but we never knew what to do with it, until last year when Pads asked me if he could use it for his business. As far as we know, we're the only people who know how to access the room. And you now I suppose.''

‘And you didn’t bother to tell me  _ any _ of this?’

'Well, it wasn't really my business to tell, was it?'

‘Well, you could’ve told me about the room.’

'Yeah, but we found it in that week where you and Wormy got pissy about pranks and homework and stuff, then we kinda forgot about it.'

‘I could’ve used it to study!’

'Too bad, now it's being used for rampant fucking.'

‘Thanks.’

Remus rolled his eyes sarcastically, laying further back in his corner of the sofa.

‘How much does he charge?’

'I think it depends on the activity, but I'm pretty sure a shag is a galleon for a fifteen-minute slot.'

‘Galleon for fifteen minutes?! Doesn’t he know how much people  _ actually _ pay for professional people?!’

'He knows, he just feels bad if he overcharges.'

‘He’s being stupid then. Normally things like that go for at least two pounds a minute, so fifteen would be… at least five galleons!’

'Uhm, Moony, why do you know that?'

‘I watched a documentary over the summer James, I was very,  _ very _ bored, considering all I got was letters.’

'Maybe wizard ones cost less?'

‘I highly doubt that James, they’d most likely go for more, firstly because they’d bump up the price due to how open the market is for it, and secondly because it’s got magic, and if your kinks need magic, you can’t go to anyone cheaper, so it’s a better business practice to increase the price.’

'Well what can be said about Sirius though, is that his system is flawless. He might be an idiot, but he's really fuckin clever when he wants to be.'

‘Well, if his system is ‘flawless’ then he should charge more! He might be clever, but if the point of it is to get money, he’s being a gigantic dumbass.’

'I think he gets more customers if it's cheaper though, so it evens out.'

‘I doubt that. The margin where he loses customers based on price most likely starts at two galleons because two galleons is still cheap. Especially for Sirius Black, the most attractive guy at this school. Anyone would be stupid to pass up a shag with  _ him _ for two galleons. He’s still under-pricing himself.’

'Maybe he's just a bit shit at it, or more likely he's just really underconfident.'

‘Sirius is anything but underconfident. He’s got the cheekbones of a god, he can’t be. He flaunts his perfect hair everywhere, he’s just being an idiot, plain and simple. His undercharging is based on stupidity and idiocy.’

'I really don't think it is. His whole system is so intricate and smart that I doubt he'd accidentally undercharge. He's got a whole thing that's charmed five ways to Sunday, and completely untraceable by teachers.'

‘That system might be smart, but it’s not as if he isn’t worth more than he’s charging. He should charge more than the regular for even  _ muggle _ prices, he’s a teenager, he’s attractive, and he’s probably really good at sex. He’s being so stupid.’

'And you sound like you're jealous.'

Remus went bright red, face getting angrily frustrated.

‘I’m not jealous, I have no reason to be. He might be good at sex, but I know at least that the girls he’s getting paid to fuck are tasting his bitter cigarette mouth.’

'...Moony, I didn't mean jealous of the girls,  _ obviously _ .'

Remus just got redder.

‘Well, I'm not jealous of him either! He’s getting paid to do something that’s meant to be intimate. He’s throwing away any chance of intimacy with anyone, ever!’

'I don't think he wants intimacy honestly. He never talks about girls like that, to him girls are for shagging and he'd rather spend his free time with his friends. That's what he told me anyway.'

‘That’s a bit rude. Those girls probably fall for him all the time, and he just dismisses them. He’s too attractive to not care, he should care about them, they’re his clients!’

'He can't have emotional connections with them, that's not really how that industry works.'

‘I know James, I watched a documentary. Surely he has regulars he cares about though?’

'Sure he has regulars, but he's never said anything to me about wanting to date them. He says that they're pretty good friends by now, but he doesn't want to actually be with them like  _ that _ .'

Remus felt hopeful, which he also let go of. He didn’t know why he felt it, it just felt wrong.

‘Well, he deserves more than he’s getting. Bottom line is, he’s underpaid, stupid, I'm not jealous of anyone, and he should care more.’

'Well say that to him then, not me.'

‘He wouldn’t listen.’

'Good point. Oh well, he seems content with it all as is, and at least he isn't doing anything bad.'

‘At least he’s still doing well on his NEWTs.’

'He could pass most of them in his sleep. Maybe not potions, but  _ definitely _ charms and transfiguration. Astronomy too actually, I don't think he's revised once in his life, why would he start now?'

‘I don’t know, maybe he’s reciting things while he fucks those girls. Better than Peter’s doing.’

'Oh Merlin, don't even get me  _ started _ on Wormtail.'

‘Peter… I don’t even know, I swear, you and Pads are both terrible influences.’

'Oh we definitely are, but he said he's gonna actually do work this year, so who knows? Maybe you've rubbed off on him too.'

‘I better have. He’ll fail otherwise.’

'He's about as useless at exams as Pads is good at them.'

‘True. I'm gonna go contemplate existence for a bit, care to join?’

'If that means revision then no.'

‘The only revision I'll be doing is revising whether I still have a will to live.’

'Okay, yikes, I'd rather just terrorise Evans for a bit.'

‘Good luck with that. She… I would say she hates you, but she doesn’t. You’re just so annoying she says she does to get you to back off. Bye!’

Remus started walking away to the dorm rooms, ignoring all of James’ cries for help with Lily. He got there and landed on his bed. 

He felt  _ terrible, _ with no idea why. He couldn’t get the idea of Sirius with some  _ girl _ out of his head. It didn’t feel right. Why was  _ he _ with  _ them _ ? Why was he even  _ trying _ ? Why wasn’t he with  _ Remus? _ He couldn't believe what he was thinking. Sirius Black, his best friend who didn’t share the same sentiment, was  _ not _ female. He was  _ not _ someone to fawn over, never someone to  _ want. _ Remus knew he shouldn’t have been thinking about him in that way, and he felt so broken. Why were these thoughts appearing? Why now? What had happened? He suddenly longed for something he couldn't have. The embrace of a certain black sheep cuddled between his arms. A  _ guy _ . Completely and utterly wrong. Consciously, he wished he could go back to fourth year. He had the  _ biggest _ crush on this Ravenclaw girl, but then she started dating a Hufflepuff from the year above and he couldn't compete with an older guy. That was heartbreaking, but it didn't feel like this. Subconsciously he wished he could find an alternate universe where Sirius wasn't shagging any girl that asked, and was instead shagging him. Fuck. No. Wrong. So,  _ so _ wrong. So why did these thoughts somehow make him feel so  _ good _ ?


	2. Chapter 2

#  **Chapter 2:**

Three dates.  _ Three.  _ All relatively attractive girls, but nothing could get Sirius out of Remus’ head. Every time he kissed one, he got sad that it wasn’t his dark-haired friend. They were all very sweet, all tea and biscuits, but he wished it was Sirius in their place. He decided he had to snog one.

‘Hey, wanna snog in the common room? If you’re free now?’

'Yeah, okay.'

She sounded not all that bothered, but to be fair, Remus hadn't exactly made their time together so far particularly interesting.

‘James, shove off, Amelia and I need the sofa.’

'Fuck off, the armchair's big enough.'

‘Maybe for you, but I'm someone who’s built differently to a pencil, and am taller than six foot.’

'I'm not a pencil, you take that back!'

James stood and angrily stormed off, clearly, Remus had hit a nerve.

‘Sorry about that, he never moves. Do you want to sit on my lap or something? Sorry, I haven’t done this all that often.’

'Uhm, I don't really care.'

‘Oh, uh, okay. I'll just sit down and we’ll work it out.’

It didn’t. They sat down and snogged very stiffly. There wasn’t anything felt towards each other, just Remus wanting Sirius to be there. The girl pulled away, saying she needed to do homework, but Remus knew the real reason. He was hopeless with women. Well and truly. Well, that’s what he wanted to believe. His problem lied in the ‘what I want’ region of his brain. The problem is, he didn’t get what he wanted. All he had was three dates with different girls, none of which found him particularly interesting, and walked away.

He walked to the dorm rooms, finding his bed and falling on it like he’d done the past two weekends. This time he cried. He cried about how terrible of a person he was, that after three dates he felt  _ nothing _ . Nothing for any of them. He was the problem.  _ Him _ . His stupid affliction was causing him to feel  _ nothing _ . Nothing at all, besides wanting Sirius. But that was just because he missed him. He was caught up with all these dates so much that he didn’t get a chance to find him and talk to him. That was it, nothing more, nothing less. Or so he thought. He needed a new tactic on how to feel.

‘Hey Samantha, today you’re looking like something I want.’

'Oh Remus, you're so sweet!'

‘Wanna taste?’

Instant regret. Samantha giggled.

'Depends what you mean, baby.'

‘I mean me. Broom cupboard?’

'Definitely. I bet you taste  _ amazing _ .'

‘I sure do… not that I'd know. I'm not weird, I can’t suck my own dick.’

She laughed kind of awkwardly.

'Haha, yeah.'

‘Lunch?’

'You're all the lunch I need.'

And she walked off with a wink. James walked up.

‘Hey James, how do you ask someone not to give you a blowjob at lunch?’

'Don't ask them for one in the first place.'

‘Shit. I guess I'm getting a blowjob today.’

'Honestly, I'd be gassed if it were me. Count yourself lucky that you can get sucked off with like… two sentences of work. You're the perfect kind of fit that girls just don't find you intimidating enough not to flirt back.'

‘Thanks James, but I think your problem is that the only person you’d ask for one is Lily, and she thinks you’re an annoying git.’

'Well, to be fair to her, I  _ am _ an annoying git.'

‘Do you think Sirius would have any tips on how to not be weird while getting a blowjob?’

'Probably, he's been sucked off plenty of times I reckon.'

Remus rolled his eyes.

‘No need to brag for him.’

'And probably by half our year.'

‘Alright, no need. I'll just… try to not mess up if I can’t find him. It’s not too hard to get sucked off, right?’

'Well, you're not the one doing the work so I assume it's fine, just don't snog her after, that's just manky.'

‘Why?’

'Do you  _ want _ the taste of your own dick in your mouth?'

‘Can’t I just use a spell to brush her teeth or something?’

' _ Is _ there a spell for that?'

‘I guess if there was, you’d actually brush your teeth before talking to Evans.’

'Fuck you.'

Remus laughed.

‘That’s what she always says to you, isn’t it?’

'Shut up or I'm leaving!'

‘That’s her too, if you ever had a chance with her.’

'Alright, that's it.'

James folded his arms and strode off angrily. Remus followed.

‘What has you so angry with me?’

'You keep teasing about Evans.'

‘Excuse me, Sirius does that more than I do.’

'Yeah but Sirius gets away with everything. He could probably tell you that your mum died and say it with so much charisma that you forget to be sad.'

‘He could, but that’s not an excuse.’

'And you've been getting all these girls recently, and it's like it's just so easy for you.'

‘James, they never like me. And I find out I'm not so interested in them either. It’s easy to get them, but once you’ve got them they go away.’

'Yeah, but you  _ could _ get anyone you wanted, and I only want one and she hates me.'

‘Again, she doesn’t hate you. She’s quite fond of you, your tactics are just horrible.’

'Yeah right. I've spent six years chasing her, I think she would've told me if she changed her mind.'

‘She’s told me.’

'That I have a chance? No. Because I don't.'

‘James, you have every chance, you just go into it wrong. Maybe instead of acting like a smarmy bastard, you should go in with care, asking how she is rather than how attractive she is that day.’

'... Yeah, I guess so.'

‘She’s coming, you might as well do it now.’

James turned and smiled at Lily, who rolled her eyes.

'What do  _ you _ want, Potter?'

'Just wanted to know how you're doing?'

Lily looked taken aback, but in a good way. She blushed a little, and Remus could swear she was smiling.

'Oh, I'm good, you?'

'Excellent.'

'Good.'

And she smiled as she walked off.

‘See?’

'I do see.'

‘Do that more and she’ll agree to go out with you at one point.’

Remus felt upset. James was getting exactly what  _ he _ wanted, but every time he tried, he couldn’t get anything. Why was this hopeless idiot getting more than a slap in the face all of a sudden, and why wasn’t Remus getting something better?

He decided to wank. Third time this week. It was stupid and pointless and made no difference in the long run, but it felt good, and he needed to do  _ something _ with his unresolved, not really known feelings. Unfortunately,  _ someone _ had to walk in.

' _ Remus what the fuck _ ?!'

James had just come back from quidditch practice, muddy and sweaty and utterly horrified to see Remus lying on his bed, dick out for all to see.

‘GET OUT JAMES!’

'What are you doing wanking in the dorms? Just do it in the toilet like  _ everyone else _ .'

‘And have you walk in for a piss? No thanks.’

'Better than  _ this _ .'

James was still staring right at Remus' exposed cock.

‘Stop staring and just  _ get out _ !’

'Can't help it, the fucker's so big even if I turned around I'd see it in my peripherals.'

‘Shut it James, just get out, I don’t want  _ you _ clouding my thoughts.’

'If I do creep in, let me know if your brain gives me big knockers.'

James winked and walked out.

Remus continued to wank, knowing full well James would never get into his mind.

As ever, the wanking only worked for a few minutes, afterwards, he felt as lonely and empty as ever, wishing he had a way to do something,  _ anything _ . He wished he could just find a girl who he could shag without any emotional baggage getting in the way, without expectations of dating or even a second shag, just meaningless shagging and… and then it came to him. Sirius. He couldn’t just sign up for it, right? Sirius was into girls anyway, and he could turn people down. He wouldn’t do it… unless… knowing Sirius, he’d do anything for more money, so surely,  _ surely _ paying the right amount would get him _ somewhere _ . Remus decided to wash up and ask James exactly how the system worked. He walked into the common room, finding James, and sitting next to him.

‘Hey James, mind if I ask you something?’

'Go ahead, monster cock.'

‘Don’t call me that please.’

'Alright, alright. What do you want?'

‘I want to ask, how does Sirius’...  _ thing _ work? How do the people ask him? Someone asked me earlier, and I said I'd get the answer.’

'So not thinking of starting a business yourself?'

‘No, definitely not. It’s not the kind of thing I'd do. I'm asking for her.’

'Okay, well, on all the common room notice boards, there's a poster with regenerating tabs. It's kind of in the back so you probably haven't seen it but it says something along the lines of 'a lot for a little, write a time and pay the price', and you do exactly that. You take a tab, write some times you're available, and what you want to do, it'll tell you the price, you pay it, then it'll tell you your appointment.'

‘Huh. Quite smart.’

'Indeed. And the spell disintegrates if the paper is touched by anyone over the age of twenty.'

‘Wow. Very nice. Wouldn’t eighteen make sense though?’

'It would, but apparently, something to do with these kinds of spells, it's easier to work in decades.'

‘Strange. Thanks for the info James, I shall use it wisely.’

'No problem. Don't start your own business.'

‘I won’t, trust me.’

'Alright, I trust you.'

James got up from his chair by the fire.

'Have you done the potions work yet? Wait, who am I kidding, of course you have. I'm doing it now… help me if I get stuck?'

‘Sure.’

'Cool, I'll be in the dorm, but I'll come down if I need you.'

‘Alright.’

James left to go to the dorms, and Remus got up to find the hidden poster. He got to the notice board, rummaged through, and found what he was looking for.

‘... How on earth did he spell ‘price’ wrong?’

Remus noticed a misspelling, but that didn’t make a difference. He hoped the spell worked with pen ink, because he only had a clicky, muggle pen on him. He wrote down his free times for the next two weeks, taking a tab. He wrote a short description:  _ ‘nothing special, just something to take my mind off of things’ _ . The price for the session popped up, but he rewrote the price as being five times as much. He didn’t care. He paid, and he got a time. Five tomorrow. Pm, not Am, thank Merlin. He sighed as the paper went back to its normal appearance, and felt a knot in his stomach. Was he actually doing this? Was he paying his close friend to have sex with him? Yes, yes he was.


	3. Chapter 3

#  **Chapter 3:**

As with most things that you're overthinking, five the next day seemed to arrive at both an alarmingly fast and excruciatingly slow pace. He found himself arriving at the portrait of the hag ten minutes early. He wasn't sure whether or not to go in, so he stood outside waiting. Those were the longest ten minutes of his entire life. Finally, Sirius called for the next person.

‘Alright, come in, sorry it took a-  _ Remus?!’ _

‘Hey, Sirius…’

Remus sighed.

‘Why are you here?!’

'I really need this right now, Pads. We don’t have to stay friends after, but genuinely I don’t know what else to do with myself. I just hope this makes me feel something.’

'You're… actually here for sex?!'

‘Sadly. I just don’t feel anything right now, and I know you’re paid to do it, so I thought maybe you’d give it a go? I know you only really take girls, and I'm not going to stop you from sending me back, but it’d be a massive help if you could try to make me feel something.’

'I didn't even know you knew about this.'

‘I was told.’

'James?'

‘...Yeah…’

'And… you want me to fuck you? What was your slot…  _ Five sessions?! _ '

‘We don’t have to make it that long, I just wanted to pay more because I think you’re underpaid anyway, and… I'm a guy, so it’s more incentive for you to say yes.’

'... Remus, I'm sorry, I don't know if I should…'

Remus started to tear up. He nodded, just as he’d planned if he’d been told no.

‘Nope, it’s fine, I get it. I'll just go find someone else.’

Sirius stepped forward and grabbed Remus' wrist to stop him from leaving.

'It's fine. It's just sex, right? Easy enough.'

Remus looked back at Sirius with more hopeful eyes.

‘Are you sure?’

'Well, honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to guys, it's not like I've ever thought about it, but I'm sure we'll find something. We sure as hell have the time to do it.'

Remus smiles back at Sirius, wiping his eyes.

‘Yeah, I guess so.’

'Is it okay if I just treat you like a normal client? I don't want this to interfere with our friendship.'

Remus nodded.

‘Fine by me.’

'Okay, well, first things first, what I ask every new client, what are you looking to come from this?'

‘Some sort of feeling. I don't care which one, I just want something.’

'Yes, but what do you  _ want _ ? Sex wise?'

‘... Just a feeling really, I don’t mind what we do.’

'Okay, is there anything you're not comfortable with? Is there anything specific you want me to do?'

‘Umm… well, I don’t want you to get hurt, at least not too badly.’

'Okay, we also need to establish a safe word.'

‘Okay.’

'Anything come to mind?'

‘Nothing really.’

'Okay, well my go-to is usually toothpaste. Don't know why, it just wouldn't come up during sex normally, would it?'

Remus laughed a bit.

‘I guess not. Not that I'd know.’

'Okay, so toothpaste it is. And this is your first time?'

‘Well, I got a blowjob yesterday.’

'Okay, but you don't have much experience I take it?'

‘Yep, first blowjob.’

'Okay, and I just want to establish a starting point. Some people prefer going right to sex, some want a build-up, do you have a preference?'

‘Well, since we both have dicks, we don’t really have a choice do we?’

'Yes, we do. Some people want literally just sex, some people want teasing and kissing and such first.'

‘Well,  _ we _ don’t have a choice, because we’re both guys, and it’d take us a while to… get hard, because there aren’t any girls here.’

Sirius looked surprised for a second, but only for a second, because he was back to professionalism quickly enough.

'Of course. But would you possibly find it easier to… go it alone initially, so that you have your mind where you want it? If all you want is sex, that is an option.'

Remus shook his head in disgust.

‘I don’t want to wank in front of you.’

'I'll look away if you want me to.'

‘I don’t want you there. I don’t want the thought of you there. I just don’t want to wank for this.’

'But you still want to have sex with me?'

Remus blushed.

‘Well, it’s not like it’s  _ you _ I'm after. I just want to feel something, but I don’t want the disgust to cover the rest of it.’

'Remus, I really need a clear answer from you. I'm not doing anything until I get your consent loud and clear.'

‘I want to have sex. I don’t mind who with, I chose you because you were easy to get to, and I could get an answer straight away.’

'Okay, well, there's just one thing that needs to be sorted first.'

‘What’s that?’

'Any chance you know anything about two guys, because I know nothing?'

‘Umm… I assume it’s the same as normal, right? It’s just like, handjob, blowjob, anal, right?’

'Yeah, I guess so. I've never given a blowjob before, but the other two I'm familiar with, unless…'

‘Unless what?’

'For lack of a better way to phrase this, who would get a dick in the ass?'

‘Oh… it’d have to be me.’

'Have to?'

‘Yeah.’

'Any particular reason?'

‘I’d umm… I'm a bit… I'd break you, I think.’

'Are you aggressive during?'

‘No, not really. Not if I don’t want to be. But I'm just… a lot.’

' _ Oh _ , okay. And is me fucking you what you'd prefer?'

Remus pretended to think.

‘... No, not really, but we don’t really have an option.’

'Sure we do. I've been through a lot, I think I can take you on.'

‘Have you had  _ anything _ up your arse before?’

'One girl once stuck a thumb up there, but other than that, no. Have  _ you _ ?'

‘I’ve only had a blowjob, Sirius, of course not.’

'Sorry, of course. But you know, we can try it that way, if it's not going well, that's what the safe word is for.'

Remus’ foot started tapping on the ground. He stopped it.

‘I guess so. But I'm letting you change your mind once you see my cock.’

Sirius smiled reassuringly.

'I'm sure it's fine.'

‘So… what now?’

'Do you want me to kiss you?'

‘If it would feel more natural.’

'I think since it's your first time going this far, it's probably a good idea. Although you might have to come to me a bit.'

In all fairness to Sirius, Remus was nine inches taller than him, with Sirius being five-six, and Remus at six-three.

‘That I can do.’

Remus walked a bit closer to Sirius, leaning down and lifting his chin up to meet his lips. He kissed him lightly, and Sirius leaned further in. After a few seconds, he pulled back.

'This okay so far? I just want to check if it's… weird for you.'

‘Not that weird. It’s just kissing.’

'Kissing a guy.'

‘Still kissing.’

'Yeah, you're right, you're right.'

Sirius reached a hand up to the back of Remus' neck and kissed him, tongue edging into Remus' mouth as he did so. Remus pulled away briefly.

‘Would it be easier if we sat down on the sofa?’

'Probably.'

Sirius walked over to the sofa, Remus sitting next to him. Once they were both sitting again, Sirius pulled Remus in for another kiss that soon turned into a snog.

‘Fuck Pads, you’re good.’

'It comes with practice.'

Sirius said, before tugging lightly at Remus' bottom lip with his teeth. Remus moaned ever so slightly, making Sirius kiss even deeper than before, gradually climbing onto Remus so he was straddling his lap. Remus got comfortable with this, pulling on Sirius’ shirt to pull him down closer. Sirius ran a hand through Remus' soft curls, tugging slightly at the hair at the nape of his neck. They both pulled away on occasion, needing more air because their breathing got extremely heavy. And as it got heavier they got more and more desperate.

‘Moony… I-’

‘What? Is it bad? Sorry.’

‘No! I… I didn’t know...’

‘Didn’t know what?’

‘That it could be this  _ good _ .’

Remus looked at Sirius as if he’d just broken the law, not that he hadn’t before, but this was  _ dire. _ He shook his head, remembering that he was trained-ish, so he probably said this to everyone.

‘Alright, no need to lie to me, I'm well aware I'm terrible at this.’

‘I’m not lying Rem.’

‘Surely you say that to everyone Sirius, I don’t believe you for a second.’

‘I don’t usually talk at all unless they ask me to.’

‘... Oh.’

Sirius sounded, well, serious. He sounded completely honest, and he had throughout this bit. Remus still had a lingering thought that  _ maybe _ Padfoot was lying, but he was his friend, he wouldn’t lie to him, right? Not like this.

‘Well, if you like it so much then why don’t we just continue?’

‘Good point. I just… I wanted you to know.’

‘Well, I highly appreciate it. You aren’t too bad yourself,  _ expert _ .’

‘That’s just a fancy way of calling me a slut.’

‘And?’

‘Fair enough.’

‘Slut.’

‘Do you want me to get even harder?’

‘Sirius, you can’t say that without explaining why you’re hard. It sounds like you like me or something. What girl are you  _ actually _ thinking of?’

‘...A fake one?’

‘Yeah, but what does she look like? I didn’t ask for a name, did I?’

‘She… uh…’

The truth was, Sirius really  _ had _ been trying to picture a girl,  _ really _ , but every time he tried his mind (and more importantly) his body just drifted back to the feeling of Remus against him.

‘Does it really matter, Rem?’

‘Yeah. Cause otherwise Sirius, I shouldn’t be here. It’s… weird.’

‘Who are  _ you _ picturing?’

‘I asked you first.’

‘Just a fit girl, no specifics. Now your turn.’

Remus didn’t even listen to what Sirius said, he knew he’d turn the question back on him. The truth was, Remus was a  _ terrible _ liar, if he needed to come up with something completely false. He couldn’t think of anything original, and he already knew that, so he decided to spin his true answer with a slight lie. They were more believable anyway.

‘... Sorry if it puts you off, but since all I'm wanting is a feeling, I was thinking of you.’

Remus went red anyway, even though he knew it was a feasible lie, especially from him. Sirius’ eyes widened as he glanced down at Remus’ crotch.

‘And… you still want to…’

‘I still haven’t felt very much, besides your breath on my face and in my mouth.’

Lie.

‘But you can… with a bloke?’

‘Can what?’

‘Get it up.’

‘Well… I… I mean, I… okay, yes, maybe, but only because you’re good at snogging.’

Sirius chuckled nervously, running a hand through his shoulder-length hair.

‘I’m not  _ that _ good.’

‘Shut up.’

‘Do you… are you…’

‘Do I or am I what?’

‘Are you into guys?’

‘No, not at all. I just  _ really _ like snogging, especially when it’s someone good.’

Sirius let out a short, sharp bark of a laugh. He looked away from Remus’ face, no longer able to make eye contact.

‘Yeah… of course… I can’t even…’

‘Look me in the eyes?’

‘Why? Does it matter? Are you gonna use legilimency on me?’

‘I would, but I'm not a trained legilimens.’

‘Exactly, so what are you even gonna get from it?’

‘You looking me in the eyes?’

Sirius reluctantly looked him in the eyes.

‘Happy?’

Remus smiled back at him.

‘Very. Easier to snog you back when you’re facing me.’

Remus grabbed Sirius’ face again, pulling him closer. Sirius’ breath caught for a second, feeling an overwhelming rush of conflicting feelings, but soon resumed to his usual self (or at least, the self he usually is during his sessions). Despite, or maybe  _ because _ of this, Sirius was obviously much less invested in this than before. He was still  _ good _ , but he wasn’t really in it. Remus started undoing Sirius’ shirt, and that pulled him back in. His hands were soft-ish, clearly very worn, but cared for as well as they could be. They were also quite warm, probably from holding different parts of Sirius’ body for the past ten minutes. They weren’t exactly delicate, but they weren’t rough either. It was like he couldn’t control his hands perfectly, but he was clearly trying. It became completely undone, and Remus held Sirius closer by his waist. If Remus didn’t have a shirt on, their skin would be touching, which was a thought that definitely popped through both of their heads. Remus pulled away slightly.

‘Slut.’

Sirius bit Remus’ lip lightly in response and began unbuttoning Remus’ shirt too. Once he was done, they were pressed together, chest to chest with the hunger of their embrace. Sirius’ hands started wandering elsewhere, first Remus’ exposed body, but, as if out of his control, into a lower territory. Remus jumped back a bit, pulling away to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, but also to make sure Sirius didn’t do anything wrong.

‘Hey, you’re getting a bit low, Pads.’

‘Isn’t that what you came here for?’

‘... Yes, of course, sorry, I kind of forgot. You’re very distracting.’

Remus was almost drunk with the feeling of Sirius. He wanted nothing more than to just finish the job now, but sadly, he couldn’t. He felt a bit more ambitious, a bit more confident in himself, so much so that he felt like it was somehow  _ okay _ to flirt a bit with him.

‘That good, eh?’ 

‘Don’t toot your own horn, you whore.’

Sirius’ eyes flashed.

‘You’re  _ really _ asking for it now.’

‘Oh, am I?’

‘Definitely.’

Remus did a tiny growl at Sirius, not much, just an experimental addition. Sirius practically melted when he did it, and Remus  _ for sure _ noticed.

‘Liked that, did you?’

Sirius inhaled deeply, ready to give a flirtatious response when he remembered what was going on, that this was a  _ boy _ , and he just couldn’t be like that with him.

‘I- It was fine.’

‘Your eyes didn’t tell me that. Why’d you turn all boring when we were just starting to have fun?’

‘You’re… having fun?’

‘Sex is sex Sirius, and you’re pretty good at it. And of course I'm having fun, I would’ve left if I wasn’t.’

‘I didn’t… You… I've never…’

Sirius didn’t know how to explain it. He didn’t even know if he  _ should _ , but he’d never felt like this before. Sex had never been  _ good _ before. It was just sex, just glorified wanking. But this… it was something else entirely, and they hadn’t even really started.

‘Sirius, come on, you’ve hexed people enough times to know how to talk properly. Tell me.’

‘I can’t.’

Sirius was resolute. He couldn’t tell him all this. He couldn’t tell him about the nothing, and the boys, and the boredom, and his family, and the  _ boys _ . No.

‘And why not? You have to explain at least how nice that girl you’re imagining looks, considering you’re already hard.’

‘So are you, what’s your point?’

‘I explained mine. You know full well what you look like. Surely this girl must have  _ some _ sort of features, at least to get a boner from her.’

‘No. I mean yes. I mean… Merlin Remus, why do you keep asking so many questions?!’

‘Maybe it’s because I've given up on caring. Maybe it’s because I'm pretty emotional right now. And maybe it’s because I care, but not for what everyone else cares about. Just answer my question, no judgement. Nothing. Promise.’

Sirius looked at him, eyes wide, and before he even started thinking, he spoke.

‘You don’t like girls either? SHIT, no, sorry, not either. Fuck, ignore me.’

‘Sirius… you are literally the stupidest person I know besides James, you said that by accident, you said actually the right thing, but you missed it on one simple detail.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You said it the wrong way around. It’s not girls. I do like girls, unlike you.’

‘What are you on about? I like girls! Obviously! I've shagged enough of them, I think I'd know.’

‘Then tell me, what is the best part of a girl? There is a right answer.’

‘Tits.’

‘Wrong. It’s her personality. You went with a basic ‘I like girls’ joke answer. Except you were serious, ironically. No one actually believes that, besides people who don’t like girls. And tell me, what’s the best part about a guy?’

‘Ha! Obviously, it’s their personality. If they didn’t have a good personality, they wouldn’t make good friends!’

‘So what you’re saying is that, with your friends, you wouldn’t at all stare at their faces, maybe even specifically one of them, when you thought they weren’t looking?’

‘No, obviously not!’

‘Not even while you’re, ahem, very close to them?’

‘I like  _ girls _ .’

‘I’ve deduced that you don’t. Do you want to know how and why you’re a terrible liar?’

‘I am not!’

‘Another reason. Firstly, you gave a generic answer for the best part of a girl, even though I, someone who’s practically a virgin, does and would not care how manly you are. Secondly, you overused the word ‘obviously’ past the point where it was necessary. If something’s obvious then you don’t have to say obviously. And thirdly, typically people who are lying don’t use abbreviations, and you just said ‘I am not’. That’s why I am wholeheartedly convinced that you don’t like girls, you like boys, and are embarrassed about it. Also, you said ‘either’ like an idiot, and took it back swiftly, without even laughing about it.’

‘Yeah, well, I don’t like guys, just girls. I don’t care what Sherlock Holmes shit you pull, I don’t like boys.’

‘Then explain the boner.’

‘You’re good, and I was picturing a girl.’

‘What kind of girl?’

‘A… short one! With blonde hair! She has… a small waist?’

‘Funny how that’s the complete opposite of me. Short, blonde.’

‘You have a small waist.’

‘Yes, but you questioned it.’

‘So what? Doesn’t mean I don’t like girls!’

‘Sirius, honestly. If you don’t, don’t tell anyone about this, but I honestly couldn’t care. It’s up to you really, and you have a good alibi. Also, it’d be really flattering if I actually gave you a boner.’

‘Why do you even care? You actually  _ do _ like girls.’

‘Because maybe I can like… maybe I can like guys too.’

‘No, that’s not a thing.’

‘Well, I don’t know what’s going on with me then, because I have already told you I was thinking about you, and I got a blowjob the other day from a girl and I enjoyed it.’

‘Well… well… you don’t like  _ me _ , I'm just practised.’

‘Sure. If you think so. I'll just ignore all the times I wanked over the thought of you after quidditch practice then.’

‘You… you what?!’

‘Sirius, I cannot believe we’ve gone through this whole rigmarole, and you don’t know why I'm telling you about how you don’t like girls. I wouldn’t do it to be mean, I'm not that kind of person.’

'Then why  _ are  _ you doing it?'

‘Because… fuck Sirius, because I kind of like you, okay?! The reason I booked was true, but now I'm really enjoying this, and the only real reason I was sad and unfeeling was because I was sick of only being able to think of you. It’s so annoying how I can’t even think of any girl, even though I  _ know _ I like them because you’re just… there. It got so painful to the point where I stopped caring and thought ‘fuck it, I'll just book!’ So that’s what I did.’

'I think… I think I probably kinda like you too.'

Remus sighed happily.

‘Finally. That took you a while to get out, now let’s carry on… slut.’

'No, Remus, I like  _ boys _ .'

‘I’ve already said I don’t care, and I don’t, as long as it’s me, now come on, I don’t want to waste any more time. Let’s just get to it.’

'But I don't know how to do this when I actually… I'm nervous.'

‘That’s really sweet, Pads. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. Do you want me to stop? We can just talk if you’d like?’

'No! No, I want to, I just don't know how… how you want to go about this.'

‘I’m, well, pretty big, as you can probably already tell. James caught me wanking yesterday, he described it as a monster cock. So I have no idea how anything of mine is meant to be size appropriate to you.’

'So you're saying you want me to fuck you?'

‘I already said earlier that we don’t really have a choice. I'm just too much. You said you’d try, but if you don’t want to anymore, that’s okay.’

'I still want to try, if you still want that.'

‘Wanted it for years, Pads, I'm not going to turn it down.’

Sirius grinned.

'Me too.'

‘Care to snog a bit more, or do you want to go a bit quicker?’

'I think I want to see  _ all of you _ first.'

‘Strip me then, Pads. Come on, you’re meant to be good at this part.’

Sirius giggled and started to unbuckle and unzip Remus' trousers. Once they were all undone he pulled them down, now just staring down at Remus' boxers. They were opaque, but also thin, and it was already obvious that he would be a lot to handle. When Sirius pulled the boxers down too, he gulped audibly.

‘We don’t have to, Padfoot.’

'No, I want to, I  _ really _ want to, I just… fuck, it's probably twice the size as mine. No, more. Twice the length but overall…  _ Merlin, Moony _ .'

‘I know. It’s a blessing but a curse in disguise. Do you have anything that… you know, might help it go a bit easier for you?’

'Oh yeah, I know plenty of spells. Never cast them this way round before but, so long as you trust me to do so.'

‘Completely. I think it might be a bit better if you got undressed first though. Or at least pulled down your trousers.’

Sirius chuckled nervously and undressed himself. They were now both completely nude and unable to take their eyes off each other.

‘Sirius… can I just look at you for a bit? Just a couple of seconds, spin for me, slowly.’

Sirius began to turn around slowly.

'What could you even get from this? I'm just skinny and average. I would get it if I looked like  _ you _ . Moony, seriously, I don't think you can comprehend how stunning you are.'

‘Firstly, I'm getting a  _ very _ nice shot of your strangely toned body, perfect skin… nice arse. Secondly, I'm just a bit beefy, and I've got all of these ugly scars everywhere, I'm not anywhere near your sharp features and perfection.’

'Beefy is the  _ last _ word I'd use to describe you. You're not even buff, you're just slim but not skinny, and  _ somehow _ toned even though I've never seen you exercise in my life. And the scars just make you all the more interesting to look at. Not to mention your freckles and broad shoulders and just generally amazing frame.'

‘I don’t deserve compliments, I look like a pit of shattered dreams compared to you. You literally look like you were born by the gods and placed on earth to remind us how amazing and special the gods are. You are a model. Instantly, you don’t even need to do any modelling work, you’re a model automatically. You’re so perfectly built, that it’s kind of scary to see how amazing I could’ve looked if I had the right genes. Look at you. No wonder you get paid to fuck, you’re practically a sex god who’s able to make people cum from one stare.’

'Which stare? This one?'

Sirius gave Remus his sexiest bedroom eyes. Remus almost went completely red, needing to tense his legs.

‘Stop bullying me.’

'Don't fuck around, you look like sex on legs.'

‘You look like sex, and it’s so strong that even if I only got a description of you, I'd be able to wank to it.’

'I'm five foot six and you can see my ribs.  _ You _ on the other hand are tall and toned and have a gorgeous honey skin tone with the softest most fluffy hair I've ever seen, let alone felt.'

‘Sirius, you’re so attractive that I am genuinely trying to stop myself from fucking you over the edge of the sofa, man-handling you right now, without lube. Fuck, I need you that badly.’

Sirius quickly got out his wand and cast a couple of spells, both on himself and Remus.

'Do it. Please just fucking man-handle me.'

‘I’m bad once I've lost control Sirius, you’re putting yourself into dangerous territory by making me hornier.’

'Lose control, lose every thought, just rely on instinct and fuck me into that sofa. Please, I  _ need _ you.'

Remus pulled his hair forward, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply.

‘Sirius, you really don’t want me to lose complete control. I'm a monster enough, I don’t need to actually become one.’

'Oh fuck that, do what you want, so long as it's me that you want to do.'

Remus bit his lip, already lost more control than he’d wanted to, and swiftly losing more. His eyes got hungry, his face got completely serious, and he started walking back towards Sirius.

‘Seriously, I'm losing it, don’t make me do this to you.’

'Moony, I need you. I need to feel you like this. I'm ready, I've prepared myself. Literally. With magic. All I need now is  _ you _ .'

And with those words, Remus had completely lost control. Everything had gone, all he had now was the  _ need _ for Sirius. He grabbed him by the shoulders, snogging him harder than ever, pulling him over to the sofa and roughly bending him over, almost pushing him. He went straight in, not at all caring about safety. He heard Sirius almost screaming in pain, and somehow found pleasure in it.

‘Fucking scream for me Pads, I don’t care how much it hurts you.’

Sirius was having trouble breathing, but he managed a whisper.

'It's brilliant.'

Remus didn’t ask for that. He asked for noise, not words. He took Sirius by the shoulders, pulling him upwards so he was almost standing, but in an awkward position. He whispered in his ear dominantly, and very aggressively.

‘I don’t care how you fucking feel, make me feel good, bitch.’

Remus pushed him back down over the sofa, forcing Sirius to hold his arms out to catch himself. He moaned loudly as Remus began to move. The pain was so much initially that it  _ burned _ , but the more Remus moved the better he felt, the more he enjoyed it, and the louder he was. Remus very much enjoyed using Sirius. He was out of control, but still consciously aware of what he was doing. He couldn’t regain his control. He pulled out temporarily, picking Sirius up onto him by his legs, which were wrapped around his waist.

‘You’d better start snogging me, or else I'll fucking murder you.’

'So long as we get back to it, I don't care.'

Sirius began to positively ravage Remus' face, definitely feeling the significant absence of Remus inside of him, and wanting more than anything to have him back. Remus decided that Sirius had done enough snogging after a mere couple of seconds, so he sat down, placing himself back into Sirius, who was on his lap.

‘I really hope you’re an expert at bouncing, or else you’ll meet some cruel punishment.’

Sirius was good, he was  _ very _ good, but as he wanted Remus getting lost in the feeling, he leaned close to his ear.

'Punish me.'

Remus growled loudly, almost instantly pulling Sirius off of him, slamming him onto the ground. He took his long hair and his jaw, opened it, and just shoved his cock into Sirius’ mouth.

‘You don’t deserve pleasure for that, you absolute brat.’

Remus forced Sirius' head up and down by his hair, and Sirius was soon lapping at him, positively enjoying it. He couldn't help but let his own hand wander down, his own untouched cock  _ ached _ . Sadly for him, it wasn’t there for long. 

‘Naughty boy. Thinking he can get away with doing bad things. Bend over the table.  _ Now. _ ’

Sirius did as Remus instructed, awaiting him to follow. Remus swiftly went over, taking Sirius’ wrists, pinning them to the table above his head with one hand, and pushing his head sideways on it with the other.

‘Good luck trying to be naughty now I've caught you.’

Remus reinserted himself, moving harder and faster than before. After a few seconds, he leaned onto Sirius in a similar fashion to how he was forced to lie.

‘This good? Don’t answer, I don’t care. All I care about is you moaning louder for me you fucking slut.’

Sirius virtually screamed when Remus pushed in even harder, fully inside of him and stretching him wide. Remus moaned himself for the first time, getting really close.

‘You’d better not move while I fill you up.’

Remus moaned for a bit longer, eventually forcing Sirius to do as he was told. He moaned loudly for a final time, pulling out straight after, leaving Sirius a sweaty, red mess on the table he himself had placed in the room. He went to sit on the sofa, completely tired, but not yet recovered enough to realise exactly what just happened. Sirius, however, had slid off the table and onto the floor. The sudden lack of  _ anything _ along with the pain that remained from Remus as his still awfully hard cock made him twitch horridly. He couldn't think straight, but all that he could think bubbled down to a general ' _ what happened to Moony?' _ . Remus finally came to his senses after half a minute, realising exactly what he’d done, and how big of a mistake it was to listen to Sirius. He got up, shoved his boxers on and ran over to Sirius as soon as he could, kneeling down to talk to him.

‘I am  _ so, so _ sorry Sirius, I should’ve just left at the start, this has all gone terribly wrong, and I'll pay you more if you need compensation, honestly, I'd do anything. I'll buy you another leather jacket if you want, anything. I'm guessing we won’t be friends anymore, so I'll mail it to you over break, and I am genuinely  _ so terribly sorry _ … are you alright? Do I need to call someone? Do a spell? Anything to help you? Oh, I'm such a fucking failure, I can’t believe I let myself do that.’

'Honestly Re,  _ please _ just finish me off.'

Remus felt too guilty to do anything else. He’d been hit with a wave of nothing besides horror, and he couldn’t just leave Sirius alone to deal with this. He needed to atone as well as he could, and if this is what his last interaction with Sirius was going to be, he wasn’t going to make it bad.

‘What do I do?’

'I don't care, jack me off? It  _ hurts _ , just sort me out.'

‘I am so sorry Pads. I'll do it now, I'm sorry you had to see me like that.’

Remus put his hand around Sirius’ significantly smaller cock, and started doing what he’s doing if he was wanking. He wished it could be less awkward. Sirius seemed to enjoy it, but it still made Remus feel terrible. He’d prevented the only person he’d ever really loved from feeling anything good, and tuckered him out to the point where he couldn’t move. What a terrible person he was, ruining everything, every time.

‘I am genuinely so sorry Sirius. I'll stop talking to you after this, I'll go make other friends.’

'Fuck, Remus, I'm gonna…'

‘Alright…’

Sirius spilled onto his stomach and Remus' hand with a loud moan.

'Sorry, Re.'

‘No need. I'll go now, I don’t want to fuck up anything else. I know we should talk really, but you probably hate me at this point. I am genuinely so sorry I've ruined your life. I wish I could still talk to you. I really love you, Sirius.’

Remus got up, almost in tears, picking up his clothes and slowly putting them on.

'Remus. Don't you  _ dare _ fucking walk away from me!'

Sirius gradually sat up somewhat, clearly very shakily though.

‘No, honestly, I don’t need to ruin your life even more, I'll just go. It’s probably easier for you if you don’t see me again.’

'Get back here, you dumb bitch!'

Remus reluctantly stood still, still very clearly upset. He needed to leave, make sure Sirius wasn’t bothered by him anymore. He wanted nothing more than to just jump off the top of the tower. It would make his and Sirius’ lives a whole lot easier.

'Re. I want to say first off that you  _ did _ go a bit too far, but I  _ obviously _ didn't want you to stop, otherwise, I would've used the safe word. Secondly, we share a goddamn room, we can't never see each other again. Thirdly even if I didn't find that fun I still want to be friends. Fourthly? Fourth? I don't know. Number four is that I  _ did _ enjoy that… mostly, you were a bit scary, but there we go. And finally, I fucking love you, why on  _ earth _ would I  _ ever  _ want you to go?'

Remus started crying. He just fell to his knees and cried. He’d made the biggest mistake of his life, and here was Sirius, making him feel like it was fine. His tears covered his hands and even trickled down his arms.

‘Fuck Sirius, I feel so sorry for you. Why do you think this is acceptable? What’s wrong with your brain? Why do you think I'm okay?’

'Probably something to do with childhood trauma but whatever you doing it was  _ hot _ , just I'd rather not be completely left at the end.'

‘No, not the sex. I know full well that was wrong. Why do you see it as redeemable? I should be killed for this.’

'As I said,  _ hot _ .'

‘ _ Dangerous _ . I shouldn't be allowed near anyone, I should be put in a cell, alone.’

'Fuck that, it was great. A bit… no,  _ very _ rough, and it'll probably take me a few days to recover to some kind of normal, but I used spells to help and I knew that you would never actually hurt me. It's  _ you _ . I mostly expected you to be vanilla as fuck, I was pleasantly surprised.'

‘I was a monster Sirius, I lost control completely. I don’t know what happened. I… I really fucked up with you.’

'Come off it, I had fun. And if I have bruises in the morning then all the more fun explaining to James.'

‘Fun explaining to James how some girl practically abused you? Not fun.’

'I can tell him about the fact that I had the best sex of my life.'

‘That was not the best sex of your life Sirius.’

'It was though, of course it was, it was  _ amazing _ .'

‘It was abusive.’

'If you think that, why did you do it?'

‘I lost control. I'm not proud of it.’

Sirius' expression turned worried, a bit acted honestly.

'So what you're saying is that deep down you actually  _ want _ to abuse me?'

‘No, no. My stupid wolf bullshit makes me act like I'm the only one that matters. I can’t control what I'm doing or saying, but I'm consciously aware of it. Deep down I really needed that, and I wanted to make you feel good, but I wanted myself to feel good. My thing makes me go all aggressive too, so it made it worse. I'm unable to do anything about it. It’s like a sugar high. You’re super hyper, until you hit a low. That’s why I pulled out and didn’t do anything with you. I'm really sorry.’

'No, see, I like the rough shit, I just… afterwards I don't want you to go.'

‘Go where? Away?’

'I just want you to stay next to me.'

‘... How? Like comforting, or?...’

'Yeah, just… don't run away. Stay close, make sure I'm okay, be soft and sweet like I  _ know _ you are. Just be yourself again.'

‘... Why are you saying this like we’re going to do it again?’

Sirius' face dropped completely.

'Oh…'

Remus noticed how Sirius felt, instantly stressing out, trying to make him feel better.

‘No, I didn’t- I didn’t mean it like- I… I didn’t know you wanted to.’

'Well, I don't, now that you've made it clear to me that you don't want to.'

Remus looked at Sirius completely  _ seriously _ , but his nervousness showed through.

‘... I do. I really do. I enjoyed it until I left you and felt terrible about it. If we do it again, I  _ promise _ that if you need something, you can tell me, and I won’t punish you for it… too much. I'll help you. I promise to not make it horrible again.’

'It wasn't horrible… not exactly anyway. It felt so good, but I also felt a bit like you hated me and… well… like you were just a client and I  _ know _ that you are, but I just… I'm an idiot.'

‘I’m glad it felt good, but by god do I not hate you. I don’t think I ever have. I'm sorry I felt like a client. I'll pay more if you want me to, as a favour, just so it feels less weird. I'll take you to Hogsmeade and you can buy anything you want.’

'Rem, please don't pay me for this, it'll make me feel worse about it all, I don't want to feel like this with you. It's fine with the girls, I don't enjoy it with them really, and I'm not emotionally involved, but I can't impress upon you enough how much I'd hate it if you paid. I'll give you a full refund.'

‘For the whole five sessions?!’

'Yeah, of course.'

‘Why?!’

'Because I don't want to feel like you paid me for that. I don't want to have to think about the one time I had good sex and think it was only for cash.'

‘Okay, you’ve convinced me.’

'Good, having said that, I'm still technically booked for the whole five sessions so, do you care to spend the rest of our time here?'

‘I would love to do that with you.’

Sirius smiled.

'Moony, do you care about me?'

‘In what way? You know what, don’t bother telling me, the answer’s the same anyway.’

'So?'

‘Of course I care about you Sirius ‘my middle name is Orion, I swear!’ Black.’

'It  _ is _ Orion, I know people think it says onion but it  _ doesn't _ .'

Remus blushed and giggled.

‘That’s why I love you, Sirius.’

'Can you hold me?'

Remus looked Sirius up and down.

‘Maybe with some clothes on.’

Sirius chuckled.

'Oh yeah, right, sorry.'

He pulled on his boxers and trousers, then gestured towards the sofa.

' _ Hold me, Remus _ .'

Remus couldn’t help but feel soft for him. He really expressed his emotions, which already made Remus a soft mess, without needing to hear any words. But the words made it so much worse. He smiled gleefully at Sirius, holding his hands, lifting them up to his lips, and kissing them. 

' _ Hold me like you love me. _ '

He pulled him over to the sofa, of which they’d just fucked on, and encouraged him to lay down. He followed, tucking himself into Remus’ chest tightly. Remus used his big, strong arms to surround him with love, making Sirius feel whole for the first time with someone else.

‘Does this show how much I love you?’

Sirius snuggled into Remus' chest, tangling their legs together and smiling.

'Definitely. Big, strong man arms. Long man legs. Warm man smell. Perfect.'

‘Good. Because your small, delicate boy arms, short boy legs and expensive cologne smell are everything I feel like I need right now.’

'Fuck, Re, what if this means I'm gay?'

Remus chuckled.

‘It'd be more concerning if it meant you were straight.’

'But I've  _ never _ felt like this about a girl… Moony, I think I'm gay.'

‘I think you’re gay too. And I love it, because I know you’re all mine. While we’re in here.’

'I think… I think I knew. Am I a bad person?'

‘Not morally. You might be bad, but I prefer you bad rather than perfectly good.’

'But all those girls…'

‘Paid you. It’s a job. They’ll continue to pay you. They’re there for the same reason you are. To gain something. Not for emotions, not for a relationship, for sex. They’re there because you’re good at it. You’re there because they’re paying you. It’s not just you who doesn’t feel anything. They don’t either.’

'Okay, amazing, I don't have to quit then, cool.'

‘I’m not going to stop your own business, Sirius. That’s just plain rude.’

'What do I do though? With my life?'

‘Live it how you want to. But don’t get yourself into bad trouble. Make sure you know what you’re doing, and how dangerous it is. Make sure it’s never too risky.’

'Yeah, I get that, but my family… they expect me to marry a respectable woman. I'm already a Gryffindor disappointment, they won't let me be a disappointment in any other way…'

‘Then don’t marry a guy. Marry a respectable girl. A rich one, so they don’t suspect a thing. This is probably just something you’re going to have to pass up anyway, so don’t worry. You’ll be fine.’

'But I won't love her in the right way. That's just not fair.'

‘I know, but it’s the world we live in. Don’t think about that for now, let me just hold you until you fall asleep in my arms, making the cute noises you make while you’re sleeping well.’

'...Okay, but I don't think I could do it. Marry a woman that is. I think I'd quite like to bring shame to my family.'

Remus laughed.

‘I know. Now shh, go to sleep. Forget about it until you wake up.’

'Okay, good night Remus.'

‘It’s just past five twenty, but good night anyway Pads.’

Sirius snuggled closer to Remus, slowly but surely drifting to sleep, more comfortable and happier than he'd ever been in his life.


	4. Chapter 4

#  **Chapter 4:**

Sirius sat on the sofa, closer to Remus than usual. They were in the middle of an intense discussion about Sirius’ ‘job’. They’d talked about it a lot over the past few days since the incident. They’d talked about how much he makes, how many people he gets, the way the piece of parchment works, all of it. Besides how they both felt about it. Remus didn’t like the fact that Sirius was shagging other people, but he was assured more by the fact that they were women, but there was still a tiny thought that maybe one of them, a really hot one, would be able to convert Sirius to someone who liked girls. But he ignored that for now, all he was talking about was the amount of money that was accumulated through the work, something they’d talked about every day.

‘So tell me,  _ how _ much was it again?’

'Come on Moons, you know that already, what’s up with you and the stupid thing?'

‘It’s interesting and fascinating to know how much you make.’

'Well, you already know.'

‘Tell me again, millionaire.’

'Average of about twenty-five galleons a week. Which really isn't that much if you think about it.'

‘It’s one hundred a month! A grand two hundred a year! For a student, that’s quite a feat. Though it should be double.’

'I'm not raising the prices. You just want to feel all the more privileged, don't you? You still getting me for free when everyone else has to pay more.'

‘No! That’s not what it is! I think you’re paid less than you’re owed for it!’

And as soon as he said that, a tired-looking Peter Pettigrew walked through the portrait hole. He was tired of all the studying he had to do, so he finished for the day. Remus and Sirius instantly stopped holding each other as tightly, Sirius starting to lean on his shoulder instead, something he already did with James. Peter sat down next to them.

‘What is Sirius being paid less than he’s owed to do?’

Sirius gave Remus a look that was reciprocated. The ‘we need to change the subject’ look. He did.

'Oh just a stupid thing, irrelevant really, anyway, how's the studying going Pete?'

‘It’s okay, but I'm still not picking up on everything. It’s really difficult, but now I'm invested into what Sirius is being paid for.’

‘It’s sweets, Peter. He sells sweets really cheaply.’

'Yeah, remember?'

‘Oh yeah, I remember.’

He did not, he just didn’t want to seem stupid.

‘I think he sells them too cheap is what we’re talking about.’

'Yeah, and I disagree. I think that overcharging is stupid when it doesn't make a difference to me, so long as I'm not  _ losing _ money.'

‘You aren’t losing money.’

'Exactly, so I don't need to charge more.'

‘You give more than you’re paid for Sirius… not only do you have to get the sweets, but you have to bring them into Hogwarts, and go around selling them.’

'It's not like it's much effort though, it doesn't cost me anything.'

‘Yeah, but it’s the whole system of people ordering things. You made a masterpiece of magic for it.’

'Not hardly, and even if it was, it's not like the sweets are even that great. They're just a bit bland, yanno.'

‘From my experience, they’re pretty fucking amazing.’

'Yeah, but I gave you all the good stuff, no one else gets that.'

Peter then butted in, he had been looking progressively more and more confused until that point.

'I want good sweets too!'

‘Peter, you wouldn’t like them. They’re very not your taste.’

'Are they the spicy ones? To be fair, I cannot handle spicy foods.'

‘They’re the super sour ones, and I know you can’t take those either.’

'Oh, yeah, that's fair.'

Peter looked a bit glum, and sat back in his seat, obviously deciding this conversation wasn't worthwhile enough for him to be listening in on it.

'Really though Rem, unless people ask for something specific, or I've learned what they like, it's always pretty standard and boring.'

‘My standard wasn’t boring, and you knew nothing about me.’

'Yeah, but you basically told me exactly what you wanted, I didn't exactly have a say in the matter.'

‘Please don’t mention it again, it still makes me feel bad.’

'Alright, alright. Next time I give you sweets you can have them a little… sweeter.' 

‘I’ll be making them sweeter. You’ll have more say in what I get, because I know you and I have similar tastes, but sometimes I can go over the rails.’

'You don't need to tell me twice.'

‘I will be. I'll be telling you so hard when you give me those sweets. They’re so good.’

'Okay this metaphor is getting a bit far, my brain is going places…'

‘Going where?’

'Last time… next time…'

‘What’s so bad about that?’

'I don't want any unwanted appearances.'

‘From who?’

'Oh fuck off.'

Sirius chuckled and playfully shoved Remus. Usually, Remus would pretend to be affected by it, but he wasn't expecting it so he was as still as if nothing had happened.

‘Who would turn up Sirius?’

'No, no wait.'

Sirius shoved Remus again and this time he moved.

'You did it this time!'

‘Moved?’

'Yeah. When you shove someone they usually move unless they're actively resisting… were you resisting the first time?'

‘No, I just didn’t know it was happening. I acted the second time.’

'Shit Moony, exactly how strong  _ are _ you?!'

‘Pretty damn strong, you little fucker.’

'Merlin! It was you!'

‘What was me?’

'The- wait… come to the dorm.'

‘Okay?’

Sirius walked to the dorm, Remus following slightly worriedly behind him.

When they got there, Sirius closed the door behind them. Sirius sat on his bed and began to speak.

'Don't… freak out.'

‘That’s gonna make me freak out more.’

'Okay well then do freak out?'

‘Okay, I will.’

'No, don't! It's not a big deal…'

‘Tell me so I'm not sat here with a terribly high heart rate.’

Sirius pushed up the sleeves of his slightly too long shirt to reveal a few marks on his wrists. They wouldn't be obvious unless you were looking for them, but they were definitely there once you noticed them. Small bruises that ghosted the base of his forearms. Remus was shocked. Based on what Sirius said before they left the common room, it was his fault. And it really seemed like it was. His eyes widened at the sight, immediately feeling a gigantic wave of guilt and regret fall over him. He picked up Sirius’ wrists and examined them.

‘Holy shit Sirius, I'm… I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again.’

'This is why I said not to freak out. It's not a big deal at all. I can't even feel them, they just confused me when I saw them. You really don't have to be sorry. I don't think I have any other bruises, although I haven't checked. Honestly, you can check if you want, there's nothing that hurts so even if there is something it's not like it's bad anyway.'

‘Sirius… it’s such a big deal. I got bruises on your  _ wrists _ . That isn’t something anyone has often. I feel so terrible. I deserve to, I was such a monster to you. I'd like to check to see the overall damage, if that’s alright. I want to see how terrible I am.’

'You're welcome to check, but really, nothing hurts. Well, I say nothing, but my arse didn't half kill this morning. Spell put me right though so it's okay.'

Sirius smiled reassuringly at Remus, as if to tell him that everything was alright. Remus could just accept that Sirius was fine with all this stuff, so he hugged him tightly, making sure to control his strength.

‘I am genuinely so sorry Sirius. If I knew it would’ve caused all this I wouldn’t have done any of it. I am so sorry, how do I repay you? I'm such an arsehole.’

'Fuck sake if you hadn't I'd still be convinced that I liked girls. And beyond that, I wouldn't be able to say that I got fucked by my dream guy. Now, are you gonna check me, or not?'

Remus was shocked. How can Sirius just move on like that? His  _ dream guy _ ?! No. Sirius was clearly delusional. That’s not how this shit works.

‘Sirius, you’re… you’re… your standard is too low. I'm not your ‘dream guy’ at all. You’ve just never seen or done anything with anyone else.’

'I think you'll find, you're often the guy in my dreams.'

Sirius winked at Remus, who blushed slightly before shaking his head dismissively.

‘Sirius, I can’t be your dream guy. Look at me. I'm such a mess. I don’t deserve that kind of approval. I shouldn’t be in anyone’s dreams, I should be in their nightmares.’

'You deserve the world! You're kind and gentle and smart and hardworking and  _ gorgeous _ and generally the best guy I know.'

‘I don’t deserve that title. That should go to James, or Peter, or even a teacher. I'm nowhere near that. I'm a monster, nothing much more.’

Sirius looked up into Remus' eyes and put his hands on either side of his face.

'You're not a monster, Remus. You're a beautiful, amazing, intelligent man. You are everything anyone could ever hope to be.  _ Never _ think less of yourself. You are worth  _ so much _ . Now check me for bruises, I need to know how many explanations I need to come up with for if James sees.'

‘If anyone ever hopes to be like me, then they deserve the punishment. I am a terror. I'll check you, I just have to clear up how dangerous I am.’

'Well, I've never felt endangered by you. I'm sorry Re, but it's impossible to be scared of a guy who alphabetises his books.'

‘Everyone who owns enough books alphabetises them.’

'Fine then, I couldn't be scared of a guy who has an obsession with chocolate.'

‘A lot of people like chocolate, including dangerous people.’

'I couldn't be scared of a guy who  _ folds his socks _ .'

‘Okay fine, that one's not at all scary. You got me. But you should be scared of me. I'm dangerous if I don’t control myself.’

'So far I've only found that you're a bit disrespectful, not  _ dangerous _ .'

‘I caused you pain!’

'Well yeah, but with _your_ dick, you were going to anyway.'

‘I hurt you in other ways.’

'No, not really. As I said, I can't feel any bruises.'

‘Let’s check for the damage.’

Sirius started to unbutton his shirt, removing it and throwing it onto his bed.

'Any fingerprints?'

‘Oh hush, there’s nothing on the front.’

Sirius turned so Remus could check his back.

‘Sirius, there’s three of them.’

'Fingerprints?'

‘No, bruises.’

'Are they big?'

‘No, not really. I think what will really show the aggressiveness will be your legs. Please show me, I need to know how bad it is.’

Sirius at first tries to roll up the legs of his trousers, because he's an idiot.

‘Not like that dipshit, just take them off.’

'Oh, yeah, that makes sense.'

Sirius quickly pulls his shirt back on before removing his trousers so as to have an excuse that he was 'changing' if anyone walked in.

‘Oh shit. Turn around.’

Sirius turned around warily.

'Is it bad?'

‘Really bad. You’ve got massive ones everywhere.’

It’s true. He had about five bruises on each part of his leg, totalling about twenty. Most of them were on the front around his knees, most likely from all the dropping on the floor that happened, and the backs got worse from all the bending over aggressively. Remus felt  _ terrible _ .

‘I’m so sorry Sirius. Is there a spell I can use for this? I hope there is.’

'I don't need a spell, it's not like they hurt, and anyway, I like having them.'

‘Why? Who on earth would like having bruises?!’

'Me, obviously.'

‘Why?!’

'Fuck if I know. But I just… I like them. You gave me them, it's like… a temporary souvenir.'

‘Not at  _ all _ like that really.’

'But it is though.'

‘But it isn't.’

'How isn't it? It's proof that I didn't just dream it all.'

‘It’s not something to be proud of.’

'I'm pretty proud of it.'

‘Why?’

'Because… because I like you, and I like that we did something, and I like that I can remember that it  _ actually _ happened.'

‘Of course it happened. I know you’re gay, but no one dreams, like actually dreams about a guy shagging them aggressively, almost crying while giving them a handjob, having a deep conversation, and then sleeping on a very shagged-on sofa with them.’

'Well, I've definitely dreamt of the first bit.'

‘No, you haven’t.’

'Yeah, I have.'

‘I don’t think you have.’

'Well, I can't exactly prove it.'

‘Yes, because no one dares dream of a guy shagging them. It’s weird.’

'You can't control your dreams mate, I don't choose who I shag in my dreams or how roughly they do it, I just go with it. It's just a dream. It's not like it  _ means _ anything.'

‘Dreams mean a lot actually. Just not what people think. Some people think that whatever you’re dreaming about while stressed is what’s stressing you out, but that’s wrong. If you’re stressing in a dream, it just denotes stress, not what it is, in particular, that’s stressing you out.’

'Yeah, but the fact that I dreamt of shagging guys didn't mean I was gay.'

‘Sirius.’

Remus looked at him with an ‘I’m sick of your dumb shit’ face.

'What?'

‘Dreaming of guys shagging you is very gay. It wouldn’t be in your thought process otherwise.’

'Yeah but… I'm  _ not _ gay or anything. Like for sure I like guys and not girls, but I'm not  _ gay _ .'

‘Sirius, that’s the definition of gay.’

'Says who? I don't have to be gay if I don't want!'

‘You can’t help being gay Sirius.’

'But I'm not gay, so that's fine.'

Sirius was starting to sound a little hysterical at this point, clearly trying to convince himself more than Remus, who put a hand on his shoulder caringly.

‘It’s not  _ that _ bad if you’re gay Sirius.’

Sirius shoved Remus' hand away.

'I'm  _ not gay _ , alright?!'

‘Sirius, you have to come to terms with it. You are gay, you can’t help it. Some of us are just born wrong, and we have to deal with the struggles of it. You being one of them. I'm here for you, any time you need, but sometimes you really do have to listen to what your mind is saying, rather than what your heart wants to believe.’

'No, fuck that. I'm not  _ born wrong _ . I don't give two shits what you or anyone else says, I'm not gay!'

‘Sirius, you aren’t at all into women. You’re gay.’

'No. That's different! Gay is something people call themselves and if I don't call myself that I'm not that. I'm just not.'

‘Sirius, listen. If you, one day, decided you wanted to be a woman, stick with me, you can’t just change that. You have a dick. Just because you say you’re a woman doesn’t mean you are one, does it? No, you have a dick. By facts, you are a guy. It’s the same with being gay. You don’t like women, but you like men. By definition, you’re gay, and you can’t change that.’

'Says who?! I can be whoever I want! I'm not gay if I don't do gay things, so I just won't if that's what it takes. If I have to convince you that way then I will.'

‘Fine. If you don’t want to do gay things, it just increases the amount of time I study. Fuck the thing we had planned then, if you just want to stop. Being gay is more than actions Sirius, but if that’s what you believe, then fine. Go ahead and ditch me like that.’

Sirius grabbed onto Remus' wrist, stopping him from leaving.

'Wait… no! Remus, I didn't… shit. I still want to… I'm just not… I can't be… I just…  _ fuck _ .'

‘You know, you really upset me. I thought you actually cared about me. Throwing away my fucking hopes and dreams won’t be easy, but you know what? If you’re just going to ditch them because you refuse to believe that you’re gay then fine. Go ahead. I only love you, don’t worry about it.’

' _ Remus _ , fucking hell, I still want you… I just… I can't believe that how I feel is  _ wrong _ . This doesn't feel wrong,  _ us _ , I don't think it feels wrong. Surely nothing wrong could feel so good? Because being with you feels so safe and warm and I just… I  _ feel _ loved, and love isn't wrong, right?'

‘... Some love is. Socially, legally. To us, it feels right, but everyone else? It’s bad. It’s ‘sinful’ and shouldn’t be accepted. It’s so stupid Sirius, trust me. To me, you aren’t wrong. You’re  _ perfect _ . Just the way I'd want you to be. But to anyone outside of that, we’re weird. Well, you’re weird, I don’t exist, or I'm lying about it, or really, I'm gay or straight and just can’t deal with it. I'm not going to tell you it’s not wrong, but know that when I do I'm talking in a social sense. Not my own opinion.’

'But… I don't get it. I love my friends, people love their families, James is allowed to love Lily, and so why am  _ I _ not allowed to love  _ you _ ? I don't fucking get it. What's so bad about us? I'm not wrong, but the way I love is? What the actual fuck?! Maybe… maybe being gay isn't  _ actually _ bad. Maybe… fuck. I just don't want to live like this! Why can't people just live as whoever they are? Surely it's okay so long as no one gets hurt, right? Why shouldn't I be able to love a man or be a woman or do whatever the fuck is in my heart if no one is getting hurt?! I just don't understand!'

Remus lay back down on the bed. He was near tears, wanting so badly to tell Sirius everything would be fine. He knew that was a lie.

‘I don’t get it either. I want to be able to show you off to everyone, show everyone how amazing you are, how cool you are, how nice you are. It’s just people that benefit from our loss don’t want to listen. And people that don’t want to listen, congregate into big groups and attack the bad ones. It’s like being black in a way. Neither of us are, but listen to me. People bully black people, just for being black. It’s easy to bully, since there are less black people here in general, and it’s visible. Black people are genetically different to white people, but not in the way that people think or believe or benefit from people thinking or believing it is. They just have more melanin in their skin, have bigger lips, noses and eyes in general. But white people can benefit from that bullying, so it goes on. The bad thing, or worse thing, with being gay, is that you’re absolutely fine as a white guy, until you come out as gay, and suddenly you’re a terrible person to everyone you were friends with before. Even though you could be the nicest person alive, everyone would hate you because of that one thing about you. As a black guy or worse, a black woman, you’re very clearly already a ‘threat’ so people don’t try to talk to you, or they bully you already. You don't lose friends while black, you can only make them really. But gay people can lose friends.’

'But… you said you like women too. Why aren't you just not with me then? If you  _ can _ be with a woman, why not just do that? If it's the same then surely you could just make your life a million times easier by just being with a woman, right?'

‘It’d make it so much harder.’

'But.. how?'

‘I’m attracted to a certain person, right? Like everyone else. I just have a wider range of people to look at. I'm attracted to this cute guy, he’s great, amazingly stunning, and a kind person. He’s sweet and stupid in a good way, and smart. If I suddenly decide ‘oh! Today I will choose to not be gay!’ I'm still attracted to that guy, aren’t I? Much like how it’d be if a guy had a choice between a black woman and a white woman. His life would be easier with the white woman, but he’s only attracted to the black woman emotionally.’

'Oh, yeah, I get that. I just… I wish things were better… for everyone. I'm 'not allowed to be gay' for whatever reason and people discriminate against so many different groups of people, I just… fuck it Moony, I wanna be with you.'

Remus looked at Sirius as if he’d just said he wanted to jump off of a building. He knew how dangerous that was, not only because it would be two guys, but also because it was  _ him _ . Remus ‘werewolf’ John Lupin. He couldn’t be with anyone, never mind a guy. But he wanted to, so badly. Only Sirius. He wanted so badly to just kiss him everywhere, make him feel safe, loved. But he knew he couldn’t do that officially. He could only do it on the sly.

‘I’m really sorry Sirius, I truly am, but for your safety, I can’t be with you. I really want to say yes, but even if you were a woman I couldn’t. I'm too dangerous as a guy, and as a werewolf.’

Sirius stared at Remus like he'd just been stabbed, and that's how it felt. It felt like he'd been totally crushed. He'd finally found someone who made him feel full, feel okay, feel like he wasn't defective or wrong, made him feel safe as himself, and he wasn't letting himself do it?

'No.'

‘What?’

'No.'

‘Sirius, what do you mean?’

'You're not dangerous. You're perfect.'

‘I… I'm glad you think that, thank you, but I am so dangerous. Look at all the bruises I gave you. You’re in danger as long as I'm there.’

'I'm fine Re, but I wouldn't be if you thought that you were anything less than perfection.'

‘Then I guess you aren’t fine. I'm nowhere near perfection. I'm nothing similar to you. I'm a half-blood, werewolf, bisexual freak, who can’t control himself when he’s turned on slightly. I'm not even close, Pads.’

'Fine then, but we can work on that. I love you far too much to let you go. I'm sorry Re, but I just can't.'

Remus scrunched his face up, trying not to let the tears flow. One escaped and he wiped it right away. More left, and he couldn’t control them all.

‘You should reconsider your options, Sirius. You shouldn’t love me, even a tiny bit.’

Sirius stepped close to him, bringing a hand up to wipe away Remus' tears.

'Too late now, you'll just have to deal with me.'

‘I never have to deal with you! Ever! You’ll have to deal with me! Haven’t you been listening?! Stop liking me like that Sirius, you’ll get killed eventually!’

'Everyone dies eventually, and I'd rather spend my life happy than live one that's nowhere near fulfilled.'

‘You won’t be happy! You never will be! Even if I'm not completely unbearable as a person, I'll be in pain a lot! You’ll hate seeing me suffer, I know you would! Don’t shoot yourself in the foot, Sirius!’

'I already live with you, I think I'll be okay doing it after we finish school.'

‘Just stop arguing with me! I'm the werewolf, I know how it’ll turn out! You’ll hate me, I'll kill you on a full moon! I know I will eventually!’

'Well you haven't killed Padfoot yet, I don't think you'll decide to, the second we leave.'

‘It’s because Padfoot and his friends help a lot, but that’s besides the point. You’ll be asleep at night, I'll be awake, turned, you’ll come outside to check on me, and I'll kill you. I know it Sirius, I don’t trust myself…’

'I'd never check on you if I wasn't Padfoot, I wouldn't take that risk. I'm an idiot, but I'm not completely stupid.'

‘Sirius, please, you’re not listening. I'm a dangerous person, please don’t give yourself to me.’

'I'm afraid I already have.'

‘You’re making a mistake…’

'Best mistake of my life.'

‘Please don’t convince me to say yes.’

'What would it take?

‘Probably just a kiss to be honest. You’re too convincing. Far too convincing for your own good.’

'But Remus, you've been convincing me to love you since the moment I met you.'

‘I wasn’t trying to since then. I haven’t been trying to at all really. I did try sometimes, in the hopes you’d be gay, but now I know, I'll never do it. I can’t let myself.’

'That's the thing Re, you don't need to. Your dashing good looks and even better personality do it all for you.'

Sirius stood on tiptoe and pulled Remus' face down, kissing him gently.

‘You persuasive twat.’

Sirius grinned so wickedly you could almost imagine him as a Disney villain.

' _ Your _ persuasive twat.' 


	5. Chapter 5

#  **Chapter 5:**

Remus was not okay. He knew he could be so much worse, but he was still not in a good place. It’d been a couple more days since the incident, and he was sitting on the loveseat in the common room, seriously considering his life choices. He wasn’t safe at all at this point. He was bisexual, an easy getaway from being gay, yet he was  _ actively  _ going against all logic. The only logic he followed was the idea of ‘Sirius is pretty fit, and he’s also very much my favourite person in the world, and he loves me back’. Nothing to do with his own safety. He was a werewolf for crying out loud, anyone he was with would be unsafe in his hands, nevermind someone not female. At least he was strong, he thought; he could protect them from any physical harm. But the truth is, he wouldn’t do that. The reason he became so witty was to  _ prevent _ having to do that. And he’s got to a point now where he won’t physically harm anyone (non consensually). He looked sad, as usual, but he looked extra sad today. Sitting on the sofa, hand under chin, looking out of the window. James decided that he was sick and tired of waiting for him to come over, so he waltzed over to Remus instead.

'Hey Moony, what's up?'

‘Not much. Still disappointed that Sirius is getting underpaid I guess. It’s on my mind a lot. He deserves so much better.’

'Hey, he's doing alright. Actually, I think he's doing better than alright.'

Remus couldn’t help but feel slightly happy at that, knowing he was responsible for it. He didn’t want to believe it, but he knew deep down he was allowed to be proud of it.

‘Oh yeah?’

'Yeah, the other day he wouldn't stop goin' on about this bird he shagged, and like… not as if there was even much of a story to tell, I think he just really likes her.'

‘Oh really?’

Remus knew full well who he was going on about. Of course it was him. But Sirius had somehow spun the story so it was about some ‘bird’. He needed to know more so he could tease Sirius later.

‘What did she look like, did he tell you?’

James grinned cheekily, giggling vaguely.

'Well, one thing he said that I will  _ never _ let him forget is that she was apparently a  _ lot _ taller than him.'

‘Hah! Of course she was, a third of the girls in our year are taller than him.’

'Then he kept going on about how big her tits were like I've  _ never _ heard him talk like that before, it was… kinda weird.'

‘I mean, I asked him once what the best part of a girl was, he said tits, so not very surprising there.’

'No, I mean the way he described them, it was  _ really _ weird. He kept jumping back and forth as if trying to justify himself.'

‘What, for getting with a girl with tits bigger than his head?’

'No, he'd just say something weird then justify it with something even weirder. Like he kept calling them 'it' then correcting himself like he'd said something horrendous.'

Remus chuckled to himself, giving him more time for a joke.

‘Maybe she only had one tit.’

'I don't think so, he  _ always _ pluralised hands. Like, he'd say how good  _ it _ felt in his  _ hands _ . I don't get it, but I'm glad he's happy.'

‘James, Sirius has tiny hands, she could’ve just had one, massive, mega, conjoined tit, which required two hands to handle.’

James started to laugh.

'Honestly Moony, sometimes I forget that you have a sense of humour!'

‘That’s not very reassuring, but to be honest, sometimes I forget you have a brain.’

'Oh shut it!'

‘It’s more like a radar for Lily Evans with extra features.’

'Piss off, Remus.'

‘I’m done now, don’t worry. Did Sirius say anything else? Ooo, did he have a love bite or something? He seems like the type to love them. Show off.’

Remus  _ knew  _ he loved them.

'I think the  _ or something _ is more accurate. I saw him changing the other night and he was  _ covered _ in bruises. When I asked he just started rambling about that girl again. He said she was really rough but he loved it, and naturally, I teased him when he said she was stronger than him.'

Remus laughed once, as if he had heard some offensive joke, but he was scared of who said it.

‘Rough? Loved it? Strong women? Who is this chick? What’s she done with Sirius ‘I don’t want anything wrong with my body, so I moisturise my face thrice daily’ Black?’

'That's the thing, I can't figure out who it is! I mean, he could be changing details to protect the client, but it also might be one of his Hogsmeade customers.' 

‘He has people at Hogsmeade?!’

'Not many, but occasionally he sneaks out instead of using his usual spot.'

‘He could go through one of the tunnels, yeah.’

'Yeah, he does. Honestly, I just wanna know who she is. Give her some kind of pat on the back for actually making him  _ happy _ for once when doing his job. As far as I'm aware he just… does it, but this one was obviously fun for him. I hope she goes again.'

‘Yeah, me too… but I doubt she’d do a better job than you at making him happy. You’re his best friend, you’re just a guy so you can’t really shag him. If you were a girl, I couldn't imagine the amount of shagging you’d do. He wouldn’t even need any customers, he'd just have you.’

James rolled his eyes and chuckled.

'Oh yeah, because  _ I'd _ want to shag Sirius in the first place.'

‘Don’t tell me you wouldn’t. If you were a girl, you’d have shagged in first year.’

'Ew! Not first year, but I get your point. Sirius is the obvious kind of fit. Obviously, I don't think he is, I don't really even think about how he looks, obviously. But from a  _ girl's _ perspective for sure he's  _ extremely _ hot.'

‘And mine… not in a weird way, just that I can see it.’

Nice save Remus Lupin.

'Yeah, it's not like either of us would shag him, and even if we wanted to he wouldn't shag us.'

An awkward laugh escaped James' mouth before an uncomfortable silence.

‘... You sounded a bit disappointed Potter. Hoping for a shag for free were you?’

'No! I'm not a pansy! You  _ know _ I like Evans!'

‘Doesn’t mean you wouldn't shag Sirius on the sly. He’s probably  _ really _ good at it James, I bet you’d  _ love  _ his cock up your-’

'FUCK OFF REMUS, I'M NOT GAY!'

A silence filled the common room. It was obvious that everyone had heard James' statement, but after a few seconds of disgruntled looks, they returned to their own activities.

‘Calm yourself James, your horniness coming out as anger isn’t a good look for you.’

James lowered his voice to a harsh whisper.

'I don't want to shag Sirius, or  _ any _ guy for that matter. So you can fuck right off, alright!'

‘You don’t want to shag Sirius,  _ all that much, _ or any guy for that matter,  _ all that much _ . I know you want to James, that awkward laugh was key.’

James' eyebrows twitched and his face stiffened.

'You don't know  _ shit, _ Remus.'

‘I know a  _ whole lot more _ than you do.’

'You've crossed a line here mate, seriously. You can't just go around accusing people of shit like that.'

‘Just did mate. You’d do the same for me. I'd never live it down.’

'Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm gay.'

James had gotten defensive, the topic clearly upsetting him.

‘Hey, no bad things come from virgins. I'm a half- you know what, I'll just tell you the truth. I  _ was _ a virgin, and nothing bad came from me because of it.’

'Yeah, well, no need to show off.'

‘I’m not. I'm just proving that virginity doesn’t mean gay.’

'I know it doesn't, but  _ you're _ not, Sirius isn't, Peter doesn't count because no one wants to shag him and not because he's gay, and then there's me. So far both you  _ and _ Sirius have proof that you're not.'

‘Gay?’

'Yeah.'

Remus swallowed a laugh.

‘Sure. Go on, believe that.’

'What? Are you a poof?'

‘Awe, did I make you jealous it wasn’t you?’

Remus punched James cheekily in the shoulder, noticing he didn’t react well, so he toned it down.

‘Don’t worry, I can attest, I'm not gay.’

'I don't  _ care _ if you're gay, just don't act like I am when I'm not. It's just not fair to make people think I am.'

‘Woah, who said I was gay? I was just messing around.’

'I know that, I'm just saying, I don't actually care who is as long as people don't think I am.'

‘Alright, gay boy.’

'Seriously, knock it off!'

‘Give me a kiss and I will.’

'No, that's gay!'

‘Suit yourself. I know you aren’t gay anyway, why would you be pining after some poor ginger girl otherwise?’

'Exactly. And it's not like the common room would be the perfect place for me to admit to anything anyway.’

‘We could go to the dorms if you’re desperate to tell me your undying love for Sirius.’

'I don't have an undying love for Sirius!'

‘I know, it’s for me.’

James folded his arms.

'You're impossible.'

‘Always have been, always will be… maybe, unless I marry someone good enough to make me possible.’

'Good luck, you're not allowed to marry a bloke!'

James chuckled.

‘Yeah, real shame I can’t marry the  _ actual _ love of my life, Sirius ‘this girl who was taller than me shagged me really good’ Black. Imagine if I could, what a life I would lead. How fan-fucking-tastic it would be to live with a gay man your whole life, never mind Sirius. That was me doing an impression of you, by the way.’

'You know what? I'm going to the dorm before anyone gets any wrong ideas about me.'

James got up, striding up the stone stairs to the dorm room. Remus couldn’t help but be thankful he lead James off his scent by making gay jokes about him, rather than himself. He was in the clear… unless he caught them. Either way, he needed to talk to Sirius about continuing the job. He seemed pretty not-okay with the fact that he was gay, and Remus felt like he really needed to be taught it was fine. He vowed, next time they hung out, he’d talk to him about it.


	6. Chapter 6

#  **Chapter 6:**

It was only the next day when Sirius and Remus found themselves alone together in the dorm. James had just gone to quidditch practice, and Peter had gone to a charms study group that was going to go on all night. That just left the boys alone together for the first time properly since officially getting together.

‘Hey, can I talk to you Pads?’

''Course, anytime.'

Remus smiled.

‘You know the other day? When we… you know. Not the fucking, the more recent thing. You seemed pretty bummed. I just want to check up on the gay train. Is it okay, or does it need a short stop at Remus town?’

'Could you have used a cringier metaphor?'

‘I thought you’d find it funny.’

'Well,  _ I'd _ like a long stop at Remus town if you catch my drift.'

Sirius winked at Remus and he shook his head, rolling his eyes.

‘You’re so unbelievable. I'm not doing it here. Not now anyway. Are you okay? I won’t use a metaphor this time, I just want to know if you’re still having that buzz from figuring it out, or if you’ve moved on to the phase where you stress about it.’

'I'm never stressed Re, don't worry. I'm like… chiller than ice cream.'

‘Now you used a bad simile!’

'So? When have I ever used a good one?'

‘Don’t have a go at my ones if you’re just going to use worse ones.’

'Okay, point taken.'

‘You seem pretty not okay.’

'Oh no, it's fine. It's not like I  _ wanted _ basic human rights in the first place.'

‘Alright, don’t be pissy, I get less than you anyway.’

'Your fucking choice.'

‘Not really. I'm a half-blood, werewolf, and a guy who’s in love with the perfect person, who happens to also be a guy. I can’t just ditch crushes Sirius, I've had one for years.’

'Okay, alright, you've got it worse.'

‘And I have a huge dick, which only  _ you _ benefit from.’

'I don't see how that's relevant.'

‘People wouldn’t treat me the same if they knew. They’d treat me like someone who’s only there for sex with them, when in fact, I'm not.’

'The key is to do it as a job, then people actually leave you alone.'

‘Anyway. Are you okay? Are you sure?’

'Sure about what? That I'm gay?'

‘Are you sure you’re okay with it?’

'Doesn't matter if I'm okay with it or not, I don't get to choose. If I could choose, I definitely wouldn't be, but hey ho, society hates me for no reason.'

‘You don’t seem okay. You really aren’t yourself. Not even  _ I  _ could persuade you to stay gay, and that’s usually what happens. Do you need a hug?’

'Stay gay? What do you mean by that? I don't have a choice in the matter!'

‘If you could choose.’

'If I could choose, I wouldn't be, obviously, why would you be?'

‘Because I love you?’

'And I love you too, but it'd be great if I didn't.'

‘... Oh. Okay. Are you sure you’re alright?’

'Obviously I'm not alright, but I'm still here, aren't I? I still adore you. I still wish that I was different, but not because of you, just because I hate the way that I'd be treated if people knew.'

‘No ones going to know. I'm still open for a hug if you want one.’

'But I  _ want _ people to know. I want to shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone I see that I love Remus Lupin and he loves me back.'

‘I know. We’ll be able to get married in our lifetimes. For sure. That’s when.’

'I wouldn't be so sure. Have you  _ heard _ what people say? No one is even willing to consider accepting us. I bet even if I told  _ James _ he'd hate me forever.'

‘He wouldn’t actually. I was making gay jokes about him to cover my trail, and he said he doesn’t care if I'm gay, it’s just bad to call  _ him _ that when he’s not… completely attracted to you more like.’

Sirius raised an eyebrow doubtfully.

'You think James thinks I'm fit?'

‘Yeah. He seemed a bit jealous of that ‘girl’ who gave you bruises.’

'Shit, he told you about that?'

‘Uhh, yeah. Of course he did.’

'And he still thinks it's a girl, right?'

‘Yes.'

Sirius relaxed a little bit, feeling reassured that at least for now he still had James.

'Okay, good.'

‘Yeah, good, but you still told him about it!’

'So? He doesn't know it's you.'

‘What if he does find out it was me? Imagine if James found out ‘my best friend's getting fucked by one of my other friends, and it’s two guys’? What about that?!’

'Well, he isn't going to find out. He's my best friend, but he can't know about me. I care about him too much to risk him hating me.'

‘Again, he said he didn’t care if I was, so I doubt he’d care if you were.’

'It's different. He can think he's okay with it, but when it actually stares him in the face he might get scared and ditch me.'

‘He won’t ditch you for that, and if he does, he’s not worth a friendship. No one should  _ ditch  _ someone else for being gay.’

'I'm pretty sure most people would.'

‘No one should.’

'I know, but they do.'

‘Well, James shouldn’t. You’re his best friend. You’re great.’

'Exactly, I'm his best friend, he's not gay, he won't get it.'

‘He shouldn’t care. Also, he was very gay himself. He said something along the lines of ‘yeah, I'd never fuck a guy… yeah’ in a really sketchy way.’

'I know he shouldn't care, and his denial of his own gayness would just make the matter worse. And anyway, he's not gay, he's so obviously in love with Lily.'

‘He’s mildly bisexual then. He for sure has thought about it a lot.’

'That's a weird concept. What d'you reckon he'd do if a guy tried to kiss him?'

‘Move away. He’s clearly very insecure about it.’

'Okay, good point.'

‘Very.’

'I wonder what it'd take for him to realise.'

‘He probably already knows, but doesn’t want to admit that he’s a ‘poof’ or whatever.’

'...I know you're not  _ particularly fond _ of pranks but-'

‘But what Sirius?’

'Do you think we could plan a prank that'd make him  _ have _ to admit it?'

‘Probably, but I don’t want to. It sounds like you’d prefer him than me. Which to be fair, I do feel a bit upset about, but I'm not judging.’

'Of course I wouldn't prefer him! I've wanted you since I knew what attraction was, James is just my best friend, nothing more!'

‘Are you sure?’

'One hundred percent.'

‘Okay…’

Remus slumped a bit on the bed, a bit down.

'Honestly Moony, I wouldn't trade you for anything.'

‘Thanks, Sirius.’

'... Still don't want to prank him?'

‘I feel like if we did we’d be found out.’

'Nah, we'd have a really clever plan. And even if it was foiled, it's only me who'd be found out, and no one would believe I was gay.'

‘But I would have helped plan it. I could be found out.’

'Only the planning, I wouldn't rat on you, and no one else would know. You wouldn't be a part of the plan, just organising.'

‘Yeah alright. Good idea. But only a small prank, not some sort of massive thing, okay? Just a you and James business.’

Sirius grinned devilishly.

'Perfect.'

Soon enough, Sirius set about putting their 'prank' in motion. Remus was sure that James thought Sirius was hot, and Sirius was going to take full advantage. A lot of Sirius leaving the shower with only a towel around his hips when only James was in the dorm (and sometimes Remus too because he just  _ couldn't resist _ ). Some obvious checking out of James on Sirius' part when changing for quidditch practice, and above all, Sirius dropping some scarily obvious hints. Which surprisingly only made James weary of whether Sirius was gay. Nothing else.

‘Pads, we need to regroup, this James thing doesn’t seem to be working very well.’

'Moony, it's fine. Okay, maybe I should drop it with the flirting, but the shower thing is definitely getting somewhere.'

‘It’s not. He keeps asking me if you’re gay, I say no, he responds with ‘but you’d know, right?’, and I say ‘yes, if he told me’. It’s not working. He’s not any different, besides he thinks you like him, but he doesn’t like you.’

'Fine, maybe we need to change tactics.'

‘Maybe. What do you suggest?’

'I completely stop it with all of the shit I was doing so far, but we find out what his type is and go from there.'

‘Okay, that’s easy. We- You watch who he looks at while he’s changing for quidditch practice.’

'I can't watch, he'll think I'm still hitting on him!'

‘What do we do then?’

'You could make up some lie about arithmancy and say that you want to study quidditch flying patterns, so it'd be really useful if you sat in on a training session, including the talks. You just turn up with me and James, you'll be with us when we change.'

‘Good idea.’

Their next practise was on Saturday, and as promised, Remus had asked to tag along. And that he did. He kept a close eye on James in the changing rooms, making sure not to get  _ too _ distracted by Sirius all sweaty from a match, literally stripping mere meters away from him. How James was acting was more important however, and later reported his findings back to Sirius.

‘Nothing. He stared at no one when he was changing. Nothing. Just giving me weird looks.’

'Huh… interesting…'

‘Yeah. It’s like he was judging me when I took my jumper off. It’s weirdly warm in those tents, and I didn’t want to overheat, you already making me blush like mad. Stupid git you, with your hot, sweaty body.’

'No no, Remus, I think I figured it out.'

‘Really?’

'He likes Lily, right? And she's book-smart, sassy, a huge nerd, next to no interest in quidditch…'

‘Alright, I see where you’re going with this, but I'm not a huge nerd.’

Sirius chuckled.

'Oh yeah? What kind of non-huge nerd can actually pull off a lie about arithmancy extra work?'

‘Some student who needs to study more.’

'And you study plenty as is. Come on Re, he  _ watched _ you take off your jumper. And I'd be willing to wager that you're hotter than me even, and that's just a general statement.'

‘What? How is that a general statement? That’s a very unpopular opinion Sirius.  _ Look at you _ . You look like sex incarnate, you attractive twat.’

'Okay, maybe I'm sexier than you, but you're tall and weirdly muscular, and sharp. But you're also exceedingly cute Moony, like  _ so _ cute. With your big jumpers and your books and your tea.'

‘I’m a werewolf, I'm not cute. I'm deadly.’

'You're adorable. And clearly, James likes it too.'

Remus blushed.

‘I’m not adorable.’

'You're blushing! So cute! And your freckles, your big brown eyes, your soft curls, adorable.'

Remus got progressively redder as Sirius named things, eventually crossing his arms in frustration that he could get this embarrassed.

‘I’m not adorable, and all of those things are ugly things.’

'Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise being mega cute and mega fit was anything but illegal.'

Remus somehow got even redder, more frustrated, to the point where he decided to pick Sirius up.

‘Stop it.’

'And strong! The hotness list just goes on…'

‘I will drop you if you don’t stop saying things that aren’t true.’

'So you're not strong  _ or _ tall?'

‘I’m not hot. Or cute. Or adorable.’

'You're all three and more.'

‘Alright, you’re getting held properly.’

Remus shoved Sirius over his shoulder and walked over to his bed.

‘I will drop you.’

Sirius' voice dripped with sarcasm.

'Oh no, I'm so scared.'

‘Shut your filthy mouth.’

'Come on Re, you don't have to believe me, but it's true. I think so, James thinks so, numerous girls think so.'

‘Alright, come here.’

Remus dropped Sirius on the bed, on his feet. He kissed him solidly, pushing him swiftly downwards so he was on top of him.

‘I am  _ anything _ but cute.’

'You are everything  _ and _ cute.'

‘You know what? You’re getting the worst punishment of all for that.’

'Which is?'

‘Tickles.’

Remus took his hands and tickled Sirius to no end.

'... No! … Remus! … Stop! …'

‘I will never stop hearing your stupid giggle.’

'... Please! … Moony! …'

‘No, no. No stopping.’

Sirius was giggling and writhing so much that he could barely breathe.

'.... Re! ...'

Remus stopped.

‘What is it, idiot?’

Sirius was still struggling to catch his breath, but was able to speak well enough.

'I couldn't… breathe.'

‘Still can’t.’

'Shut up.'

‘I know you can take no breathing Sirius, you’ve deepthroated before.’

'That's different.'

‘Oh is it? How is it?’

'I get to control that.'

‘Do you?’

'Yes, yes I do.'

‘Fine.’

Remus got on the bed next to Sirius, lying next to him calmly.

‘What do we do about James?’

'It's more what do  _ you _ do.'

‘Stop reminding me. Do I just come out of the shower in just a towel? Like you did?’

'Yeah, but seem less like you did it on purpose. Pretend to have forgotten your clothes or something. Oh, and smile at him more often. Not like in a flirty way, just in general, it's really sweet when you smile.'

Remus kissed Sirius on the cheek.

‘I will tickle you.’

'Please don't.'

‘I won’t, don’t worry. Time to do this James thing.’

A couple of days later, Remus had ‘forgotten’ his clothes on his bed while taking a shower. James was the only person in the room. He walked out, towel around his waist, just as planned. His curls damp against his forehead, his toned body dotted with droplets of water.

‘Sorry James, I forgot my clothes… can I just change here? I-‘

Remus stretched and the towel fell to the ground. He just stood there.

‘Sorry James, I didn’t mean to.’

Remus knelt down to pick it up, smiling at James (who had gone a lovely shade of scarlet) when the towel was back on. He walked towards his bed, picking up his clothes. The towel fell again, but he didn’t care. He pretended he thought the beds were high enough to cover his bottom half. They weren’t. James could see the V-shaped tone Remus had, aiding his view to his ‘monster cock’. Remus picked up his shirt and put it on.

‘Oh shit, maybe this one’s Sirius’. We might’ve mixed them up, hang on.’

Remus took the shirt off and walked over to his trunk. He bent over to get another shirt, ass all in front of James, who couldn’t stop looking. Remus turned around, noticing James’ gaze.

‘My arse is for everyone James, save a couple of seconds of time for everyone else.’

James tried to respond but ended up mumbling a blustered mess. Remus walked over to him, buttoning up the shirt.

‘What did you say?’

Remus picked up his boxers off his bed, shoving them on before standing in front of James, cock size not dampened by the fabric. James blinked up at him a few times, then cleared his throat awkwardly.

'Moony, you're… you're…'

Remus stepped closer.

‘I’m what?’

'Not properly dressed.'

Remus rolled his eyes.

‘No shit Sherlock, but what did you say before?’

'... Nothing…'

‘No James, what was it? I don’t mind, I'm not a judgmental person, you know that.’

Remus sat down next to James, who was getting more and more intimidated by the second.

'I… uhm… I said that it's not for  _ everyone _ .'

‘Oh. Why would it not be? I thought I had a nice arse myself, but if you don’t like it-‘

'No! It's great! I mean… not that I look at it… much…'

Remus put a hand on James’ thigh.

‘Much? James, do you…?’

James' breathing became heavy as he looked away from Remus, trying to concentrate on anything but his own body and how it wanted to react, but the hand on his thigh was making it exceedingly difficult.

'...No.'

James managed to choke out.

‘So you don’t want me to let you touch it? I'd let you, it’s a nice arse.’

'...What are you doing Moony?'

‘What are you doing? You’re not looking at me, blushing away from me. You were staring at my arse, how can I not react to that?’

'You don't…'

‘I don’t what?’

'You don't mean it.'

‘Don’t mean what?’

'I can't actually touch your…'

‘Nothing’s stopping you.’

It was true. Sirius and Remus had agreed that they’d let James do anything, unless it included touching bare skin. No kissing, no sex, just anything to make him say it. James' eyes darted to the hand on his thigh.

'Nothing?'

‘Not much, no.’

'Can we stand up?'

‘Yeah, of course.’

Remus let go of James’ thigh, and stood up with him.

‘How do you want to do this? Side, from the front, from the back?...’

James moved so he was directly in front of Remus. He couldn't look Remus in the eye, so he stared down at his chest. He moved a hand around Remus' waist then down to cup his ass. James gulped. Remus bit his lip, so Sirius (who was outside) wouldn’t have a go at him if he moaned. Anyone touching your ass is gonna make you feel something. James took that exact moment to look up at Remus' face, and saw him biting his lip.

'Remus…'

‘I’m- I'm trying not to make noises.’

'Don't.'

‘What?’

'Don't try not to.'

‘Why?’

'I… I don't know.'

‘You’re gonna have to give me a reason James, I don’t want someone hearing us, and then them telling everyone they saw James Potter grabbing my arse. I can’t be bothered to explain it.’

James put his other hand on the side of Remus' face.

'I think…'

‘You think what?’

'I think I want to kiss you.'

Remus looked shocked. He  _ was  _ shocked. He had no way to not be mean to someone in this situation. He couldn’t lead James on and not get an answer for Sirius, but he also couldn’t kiss him, because of the rules he and Sirius made before. James would never forgive him for this, and Sirius would only be a bit pissed. He could hear what was going on anyway, so he’d understand why.

‘... I… I wouldn’t mind.’

'Good.'

James leaned up, closing the gap between them and kissing him once, nothing special, just a kiss.

‘How… how was it?’

'... I don't know… No offence, but you're not my first choice, but it definitely wasn't  _ bad _ .'

‘Obviously I'm not your first choice, I'm not only a guy, but I'm also tall, not ginger, and not named Lily Evans.’

James chuckled and rolled his eyes, but quickly grew timid again.

'I… I don't think I care about the guy thing.'

‘You don’t?’

'No, I would rather kiss Lily though, like  _ much _ rather, but you're… you're great too.'

Remus looked kindly at James, flattered by his compliment.

‘So… do you… like guys too? I know you’re into Lily, and I am not at all asking if you’re interested in me, I'm just curious.’

'I suppose I do…  _ fuck _ , that's not what I expected. I definitely would, but I don't think I want to… no, I just think I'm getting somewhere with Lily and she's just perfect and… I'm a  _ freak _ .'

‘What? No, you aren’t! You’re James fucking Potter. Pursuer of Lily Evans. How are  _ you _ a freak?’

'I like girls  _ and _ boys. That's not a thing.'

‘James.’

Remus took both hands and put them on James’ shoulders.

‘Liking guys in general isn’t weird. Liking girls in general isn’t weird. Liking both is just appreciating that girls are cool and that boys have nice faces.’

'And nice arses.'

Both of them laughed.

‘Yeah, I guess so James.’

'So, friends?'

‘No, I hate you now.’

'Oh, however would I cope?'

Remus chuckled.

‘Sometimes you’re too funny. Anyway, I should probably get dressed, and you should probably go. Don’t want to be late.’

'Late for what?'

‘I don’t know, your daily patrol of the castle, searching for your one true love, a slap in the face from a girl who pretends she doesn’t like you?’

James' face lit up.

'Pretends?'

‘Yeah. I've told you too many times James, she likes you. For sure.’

'I really hope she does. I don't think I could ever be with anyone but her.'

‘Trust me, I wish she’d stop pretending. When you do see her, try and be kind. Don’t be snobby or mean, just ask her how her day’s been, how she’s doing in class, seem like a caring person.’

'Yeah, sounds like a good plan.'

‘Well, off you go lover boy.’

James grinned and scampered off, barely even noticing Sirius standing outside the door.

‘Sirius?’

Sirius walked in, arms crossed.

'We had a deal.'

‘Yeah, and he wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t break it. I'm so sorry, and I didn’t enjoy it anyway. It was good, I just prefer some other boys.’

'Didn't enjoy it my ass! You practically admitted he was making you moan!'

‘Well, yeah. Anyone grabbing your arse from the front is going to make you moan.’

'Trust me, that isn't true.'

‘Everyone who’s done it to me so far has made me moan.’

'So James and whatever girls you've shagged?'

‘James, the girl who gave me that blowjob… and a certain member of the Black family.’

'Except that I've never done that, so unless you mean my brother…'

‘You’re just saying that so you can do it yourself, aren’t you?’

'No! How could you think such things of me!'

Remus walked toward Sirius.

‘Maybe it’s because it’s written all over your hormonal face.’

'Just shut up and let me grab your immaculate ass.'

‘Close the door first.’

Sirius kicked the door shut, then walked over to Remus, standing so close that they were virtually pressed together. Sirius ran a hand down Remus' chest, around his waist, then grabbed his ass firmly. Remus let out a short moan, more of a groan really, tilting his head back slightly, closing his eyes.

‘ _ Fuck, _ Sirius.’

'Sometimes I wonder how on  _ earth _ you're a top.'

‘Shut your mouth… and do it again.’

'Only if I get to top you.'

‘Top me?’

'I've been reading, and you have no  _ idea _ what I learned.'

‘I have one idea: nothing at all?’

'Shut up, I learned basically nothing, but I did learn some terminology, and I'm just saying that I want to shag you.'

‘Wow, bold. Like, shove  _ your _ dick up  _ my _ arse?’

'Exactly. I think you might like it.'

Remus rolled his eyes.

‘Fine. Grab my arse, spank it, whatever. Go ahead and fuck me if you  _ really  _ want to.’

'I  _ do _ .'


	7. Chapter 7

#  **Chapter 7:**

Remus was sick and tired of Sirius. More specifically how he was persistent with his ‘job’. He loved everything else, the sly kisses, the loving stares, everything but the  _ job _ . Whenever Sirius had to leave for ‘business purposes’ Remus always got super frustrated. At the start it was fine, but after realising how little of the money Sirius spent, how he just saved it up, it got to him. What was the point of it? Did he need that buzz of nothingness? Was he actually willing to increase his risk of STDs for one fucking galleon? He didn’t know, but Remus was sick and so tired of it. He acted like it was fine, just a little thing that got in the way a few times a day, but in reality, his pot was being stirred, his buttons were being pressed, he’d found the equivalent of finding a popular comment on YouTube stating false facts, and people believing it. Frustration. He needed to talk to him.

‘Hey Sirius, when are you free next? I need to have a chat with you.’

'I'm free now.'

Sirius said, closing the textbook that was open on his lap.

‘I don’t want to distract you from your studying.’

'Oh no, it's fine, I was just finishing anyway.'

‘Oh, okay. Dorm?’

'Sure.'

They wandered up to the dorm, Remus closing the door behind them and looking at his watch, nodding once he figured that they'd have a good amount of time without any disturbance.

‘I need to talk to you about your job.’

'If it's about the pay, I don't want to raise the-'

‘I don’t want you to do it at all.’

Sirius froze, dumbstruck.

'But I need the money, Re.'

‘You don’t, all you’re doing is saving it.’

' _ Exactly _ . I'm getting disowned sooner or later, I need some money to at least be able to survive until I manage to get a job.'

‘Couldn’t you just live with James? Aren’t his parents both kind  _ and _ rich?’

'Yeah, but I don't want to burden them. Plus James'll move out after Hogwarts and I can't exactly stay with his parents without him there.'

‘You could just move out with him when he does.’

'He'll probably have gotten with Lily by then and they'll move in together. I can't just not have a backup plan Re, I don't wanna be homeless.'

‘You could come live with me and my parents. They wouldn’t mind.’

'Oh yeah, sure, and have them eventually find out that their son's queer lover had been living under the same roof as them? I don't think so.'

‘Frankly, I think they’d be happier I was happy, and wouldn’t care that you’re my ‘queer lover’.’

'Still, I barely know your parents, and from what I do know they're very protective of you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I'd never  _ truly _ be a part of the household.'

‘Sirius, as long as you’re a part of me, you’re a part of the household. Anyone would be.’

'Still, I don't want to intrude, and I'd have no idea how long I'd have to stay… I'd rather just rent a tiny grotty flat with my whore money until I can get a grotty office job.'

‘Well, I don’t want you doing your job anymore.’

'Why not? It's not like I  _ enjoy _ it. They're all girls Moony, and I'm apparently the gayest man imaginable.'

‘I want you to myself Sirius! I know it’s selfish, but it’s just terrible seeing you, knowing that some girl gets to be that close to you. It fucking hurts. Wouldn’t you feel the same if I started fucking girls for money? Or actually got a girlfriend? We’d stay the same, but my time would be spent with her, and it feels terrible. Knowing that girls get to kiss you, and touch you, and feel you and have you is the worst feeling I've ever felt. Either it stops or I walk away.’

'That's not a fair comparison, you actually like girls! And this is my job, I'm going to get cut off from my family soon enough, and even sooner if they find out I'm in love with a half-blood werewolf, who so happens to be a bloke.'

‘If you did get cut off, you could do something else! You have talents other than shagging!’

'Oh yeah? Like what Re? Please tell me, I'm listening.'

‘I don’t know, something you enjoy?! You could play piano for people, throw a quick word at them, I don’t know, anything!’

'Oh yeah, being a pianist is definitely a better income than being a prostitute. It's insane how easy it is to get work, there are pianos all over the place  _ just waiting _ to pay to be played.'

‘Shut up, I was just thinking of the talents you have! Don’t have a go at my on-the-spot thinking! I'm sure you could teach people, or help them study or something! You’re smart, and smart enough to not have to do it yourself!’

'Which means I have no idea how! I've never studied a day in my life, how would I know how to teach it? All I'm good enough to be paid for is literally selling my body. I'm attractive. That's it.'

‘Sirius, you’re far more than that! You could do anything, honestly! I swear, you’ve just been feeling worse and worse since I fucking booked! Maybe I shouldn't have done it…’

'No. That's the one thing that's going right in my life. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me Remus, don't you dare quit on me now.'

‘I might as well, since you could get some girl pregnant by accident, or get an STD that could be passed on to me, or find out you’re not gay, and fall in love with someone else! What is the point of me being special to you if I don’t feel it?’

'Fucking hell Re, I love you! Is that not enough anymore?!'

‘It wasn’t really enough in the first place. Just because you say it doesn’t mean my anxiety goes away.’

'I can't just  _ quit _ . I  _ need _ this job. I'm not gonna get a girl pregnant, and I'm not gonna get an STD. I know all the spells and I'm good at them, they're fool-proof. I know you want me to quit, but I can't do that, I just can't.'

‘Sirius, I've seriously been considering just fucking off. I might as well. Since apparently, it’s easy for me to find someone to love me, what’s the point of staying if I can have someone who is wholly mine, and will stay like that for a good amount of time?’

'No! Remus, please! Surely we could come to a compromise?'

‘I don’t hate you Sirius, I really don’t, but it’s hard to take now. I'm near tears every fucking day because I'm sat there, alone, because one friend is off studying, another is off flirting with some girl, and my boyfriend is off shagging some random girl. I don’t have anything to do in between those times, nothing. All my studying is done. All my homework. I'm sat there, bored as all hell, knowing everyone else I know is having a grand old time.’

'Is it the shagging that bothers you? Or just the being away?'

‘It’s both, but it’s like salt in the wound knowing it’s something that only I should be getting. It fucking  _ hurts _ .’

'What if… what if I changed my policy?'

‘To what Sirius? I will shag anyone, but I won’t shag anyone. Good plan.’

'No, like… what if I  _ only _ shagged them?'

‘How the fuck is that any different?!’

'I don't know! It'd mean that you were the only one I kissed, we would have that… just us.'

‘We already do basically! I don’t care who you kiss, I fucking kissed James the other day, I couldn't care less, it’s just the fact that girls get to be that close to you, know you that well, see you like that. It’s horrible.’

'But they  _ don't _ see me like you do! You unravel me, you take me to pieces and put me together again better than before. No one else gets that.'

‘A shags a shag Sirius, the only reason no one sees you like I do is because I have a dick. They don’t, so they don’t see you in exactly the same position. But they get to see you sweaty, tired, they get to see you fucking naked! Maybe it’s best I just fucking end this with you before I get genuinely any worse emotionally.’

'Remus! For fuck's sake, I need you! I… I… fine. I'll shut it down. I'd rather be homeless than lose you.'

‘If you’re with me, you aren’t homeless. I'd never let that happen.’

'I have enough savings for a short while… if I find a  _ really _ cheap flat. I… I should be fine.'

‘Sirius, if you can’t find one, you aren’t living somewhere terrible. You’re with me, okay? Or I can sort something out with James, or even Peter. You  _ aren’t _ living anywhere but a house.’

'Plenty of people live in flats Re, you can get a nice flat.'

‘I know, but they cost more than you have. I'm not letting you live somewhere stupidly cheap and have a shitty quality of life, when you could easily just stay with me at my house, being happy.’

'I couldn't live at your house Re. I can't live with your parents.'

‘Yes, you can. It’s not hard. Even if they hated you, they’d let you stay. I know you don’t know them very well, but they would for sure not let you not have a bed to sleep on.’

'Remus. I've lived in a house for over seventeen years full of people who hated me, I can't do it again, I just can't.'

‘Good thing they don’t hate you then. I've told them all about you, and they think you seem really kind. I know they do, they ask about you every break time.’

'But if they found out…'

‘They won’t, and if they did then I don’t think they’d care. They’d just say to not do anything in the house, and not in front of them. They aren’t the shouting type, and they for sure wouldn’t let you live in a shitty flat.’

'What if I  _ want _ to live in a shitty flat?'

‘Then you’re an idiot. It cost so much to just live there, never mind electricity, water, furniture costs, food, everything would cost you so much. You could get all of that for free at my house!’

'But I'd never really be able to  _ live _ there.'

‘What do you count as ‘living’ in a place?’

'Feeling alive.'

‘You don’t know my house. My mum would cook you anything you wanted, she'd bake every pie imaginable. She’d do it all for James and Peter, but she’d do it extra for you. She knows you’re my favourite.’

'Do you really think that sounds like my life? Being stranded at my 'friend's' parents house where they serve me home-cooked meals? That's not  _ living _ , is it Moony?'

‘... That’s how it’d be if we lived together.’

'No Moony, it wouldn't. If we lived together, we could have a small flat. Not a dodgy one, just a small one. And we'd wake up in the morning with a sliver of sun coming through the gap of the curtains, and I'd roll over and smile because you were there. And I'd get out of bed and make breakfast, eggs and toast, and you'd wake up before I was done so you'd walk into the cramped kitchen lazily and lean against a counter, or against me until the eggs were done. Then we'd sit and eat breakfast, and it wouldn't be  _ delicious _ but it'd be what we could afford. Then we'd go to work, or university, or whatever we're doing and we'd have sandwiches that one of us had made for lunch that were a bit gross but we are them anyway because they were made for us. Then we'd get home and collapse on the sofa together, and I'd kiss you stupid. We could sit and you'd read to me while stroking my hair, and sometimes I'd fall asleep, but sometimes I'd try to distract you from your book. And you'd give up eventually because I'm just too charming to resist and we'd have the best sex ever. Then we'd fall asleep in each other's arms having eaten whatever was leftover in the fridge, and then repeat.  _ That _ is living.'

‘That all sounds lovely Sirius, truly, but I can’t live in a flat. I  _ need _ a house.’

'Why? Too posh for a flat all of a sudden?'

‘No, it’s… it’s my stupid thing. A flat means people. A house means back garden, or better yet, a basement. A flat means stairs, a house means maybe one set. A flat means public, a house means private. I would  _ love _ to be able to live that absolutely adorable life with you, but I can’t. I can’t do it with anyone. Because I'm a stupid werewolf.’

'Fine, we can still live like that, just in a house. We'll have a small country house instead, maybe a cottage. It'll be the same dream, just with different scenery.'

‘I’d love that, but we can’t have it straight out of school. Maybe when we’re thirty, but that’s a while away. We’re barely past halfway to it. We’d need to save up, neither of us could go to uni, we’d just have to wait. For twenty-ish years. I don’t want to lose connection with you Sirius. At all. I want to stay as close to you as I am right now, and the only option for that is in a house.’

'I'm still a Black, right now I'm still  _ technically _ loaded. Mother dearest might not buy me a house, but she sure as hell wouldn't realise if one of her necklaces went missing.'

‘Don’t steal just to live with me, Sirius. Just live with me and my parents until we can afford to move out.’

'I can't live with your parents for ten years. Maybe we could find a really small cottage way out in the countryside that I could afford with my savings. I do have quite a chunk.'

‘Not enough to live on.’

'Enough to buy a house. We don't  _ need _ electricity. Running water would be nice, but one of us could easily get a shit job. It's not like we need a car, and it's not like living in the countryside would be inconvenient, we can apparate.'

‘So you’re telling me you’d live in the freezing cold countryside with no electricity in the winter, rather than living with my parents for three years, until they give me enough money to buy a better house, or the same one, but with electricity?’

'Yes. I've already told you Moony, I can't live for years only being allowed to be politely quiet and pretend to your mother that I'm not madly in love with her only son.'

‘She wouldn’t mind! As long as it wasn’t a lot.’

'What part of 'madly in love' indicates not a lot to you?'

‘I have a forest next to my house, we can go there all the time. And the walls in my house are pretty thick, so no one can hear anything from any other room.’

'But I couldn't love you twenty-four-seven. I couldn't watch you longingly or kiss you quickly, I couldn't be everything.'

‘You aren’t that now, what’s the difference?’

'The difference is that I'm only not like that now because we're in school. I love you more than anything, I couldn't hold it in if I didn't strictly have to.'

‘You don’t strictly have to at school.’

'I do. I have my brother here, countless other relatives, and a student body that would most likely beat the both of us to death.'

‘I wouldn’t let them.’

'Still doesn't stop the issue of my dear family.'

‘Still, you have to up my house, because I don’t know what my parents are.’

'What do you mean?'

‘I don’t know if my parents would kick you out if they found us kissing. I doubt they would, but we can’t be sure.’

‘Exactly.’

‘I could always just ask Sirius, if it means I don’t have to have you on the streets or in a flat where you could get stabbed.’

‘It’s fiiine, I'm not gonna get  _ stabbed _ .’ 

‘You could! I don’t want you dead in a ditch.’

‘Come  _ on _ Re, I'm strong, I can protect myself.’

Remus just laughed.

‘Lies.  _ Strong _ ?! Where are your muscles? Where is anything but bones on your body? The only place I can think of without that is the gap in between your skull where your brain is meant to be.’

‘Oh fuck off! I've got magic, I can defend against a petty little knife.’

‘Not without being caught! What did I say about your brain again?’

‘Fucking hell, I'm not gonna get shanked!’

‘You could!’

‘Well, so what? What’s the difference if I get stabbed or not? At least if I go to the hospital I can get free food!’

‘For like a couple of weeks maybe! They’ll send you back and you could get stabbed again, and if it’s a fatal organ there’s no way you’ll survive.’

‘Well, there are worse ways to go.’

‘Maybe cancer or something, but it’s pretty high on the list of fucking stupid ways to die.’

‘Yeah, well, at least I'll die while I'm still hot enough to make a good corpse.’

‘Sirius, fuck off does that matter. Here’s the thing: you can’t see your own fucking corpse!’

‘And? I'm not the one who gets to appreciate my gorgeous face as is.’

‘Oh fuck off, I'm the only one who should matter, and I don’t particularly want to see you  _ fucking DEAD!’ _

‘You will one day anyway, better sooner rather than later.’

Remus writhed with anger.

‘You don’t know how much I just want to slap you right now.’

‘Then do it. Pussy.’

‘I would, but I don't want anyone to think I'm abusive. I'm not your mum.’

‘It’s not like anyone’s here, and even if they were, it’s not like they  _ know _ we’re together.’

Remus was done. He couldn’t fucking do it anymore. How did he fall in love with this prick? He picked him up under his arms and shoved him on his bed.

‘Shut up. Just… shut up. You’re so… so, so stupid. Please Sirius, you know I love you to bits, don’t be an idiot and go somewhere because it’s cheap and my parents aren’t there. I swear, I have no idea how someone with as much common sense as me managed to fall for some dumb, frustrating idiot. How?’

‘I don’t know! But I just want to… I just want everything to be  _ alright _ . Not good, not bad, just alright. And I can’t think of another way to go about that.’

‘Sirius, just… just move in with me,  _ please. _ It makes no sense for you to live in some dingy ass place just so we can fuck there or something, instead of living at my parents' house,  _ with a forest _ , where you get food for  _ free,  _ a bed for  _ free _ , someone to cuddle with all the time for  _ free _ , and  _ heating for free _ . You’re passing up an opportunity to not only see how I live without the idiots we live with, well James, but for once you’ll get to sleep in the same bed as me, wake up next to me, do all the shit you wanted, maybe in a slightly different order and setting, but with my parents too. I read my books in the forest sometimes anyway, so you can seduce me there if you need to take your horny little moods out.’

‘But that’s the thing. You said it yourself, you don’t know what your parents would be okay with. So no, I can’t wake up next to you, and I can’t cuddle with you anytime I'd like.’

‘Do I really mean that much to you, to the point where you’d live in danger to be able to cuddle with me, rather than not cuddle with me all the time and be safe?’

Sirius got up, stood in front of Remus and took his hand in his own.

‘Yeah.’

Remus looked back at him, sadly.

‘I shouldn’t mean that much to you.’

‘Well tough luck, ‘cause you do.’

‘No, stop caring about me that much. Genuinely stop. I'm dangerous Pads, I shouldn’t be that important to you. Your safety should always come first.’

‘Oh come on Re, I've never cared about my own safety, I don’t think that’s gonna change any time soon.’

‘Then I should mean less than that to you. Care about yourself more than me, don’t be stupid.’

‘You  _ know _ I'm stupid.’

‘Stop thinking you’re safe all the time, or not valuing yourself higher than your technically-kind-of-illegal boyfriend. Stop it. If you don’t care about your safety, then I will, and you aren’t moving into any unsafe places.’

‘Fine.’

‘No moving into bad places.’

‘Alright.’

‘Okay, good.’

‘Don’t expect me to stop being an idiot though… or to stop anything else.’

‘I love your mild stupidity, and what do you mean by anything else?’

‘...Nothing.’

‘Sirius.’

‘ _ Remus _ .’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Nothing Re, don’t worry.’

‘Sirius,  _ tell me _ .’

‘I already told you, it’s  _ nothing _ .’

‘So I won’t expect you to stop being an idiot, or stop being nothing. Impossible. You are always going to be something, even if you aren’t to me. So fess up, what is it?’

‘It doesn’t actually  _ matter _ .’

‘Sirius, everything about you matters to me.’

‘I'm pretty sure you already know, it's not like you wouldn't be able to smell it, especially with that Wolfy nose of yours.'

‘Not wearing deodorant?’

'Ew! What the fuck? I wear deodorant!'

‘Just stop smoking Sirius.’

'See, told you you knew.'

‘Of course I knew, it could just be a lot of things.’

'Well, I'm not stopping.'

‘No, you will stop. If you do move in with me in the end, my father will stop you, or he’ll near disown me. He hates people who smoke, and the people who associate with them.’

'Guess he hates me then, even more reason for me not to move in. I'm queer, I smoke, I was a prostitute…'

‘No one has to know, you can quit, and no one has to know and you have quit.’

'Quit being queer or quit being a prostitute, because I did the latter already and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want me quitting the former.'

‘Sirius, either you’re an idiot, or you know what you’re doing.’

'It's not like I'm wasting money, I just transfigure spare shit, like twigs or pencils… mostly twigs.'

‘Don’t transfigure shit into cigarettes. I will catch you, and I will break those twigs, or eat the cigarettes. And you won’t be able to stop me.’

'You know, if you eat them you'll get addicted too.'

‘That’s not how it works.’

'It is actually, the nicotine still gets into your system. You'll get addicted to them, and then you'll be just as much of a disappointment as me!'

Sirius grinned widely at him.

‘I already am a major disappointment, thank you. The difference is, if I was born to your family, they would’ve killed me off the night I got bit.’

'I just had the best idea!'

‘What?’

'I go back to live with my parents after Hogwarts, I tell them I'm gay, and they kill me on the spot!'

‘Sirius, no. Never. Don’t even joke around.’

'Why not? It'd be fun!'

‘It’d be terrifying, and I would actually kill myself.’

'That's a pity, I really liked that idea until you went and ruined it with your own suicide threats.'

Sirius folded his arms and pouted.

‘Stop being so cute and angry. Don’t you dare.’

'Or even  _ better _ , we could find a way to get married… somehow, and we could ruin the family tree,  _ then _ next time they saw me they could kill me on the spot!'

‘I’d take the wand and kill myself right then and there if we were  _ married _ .’

'Oh nice, thanks. Good to know that you'd hate being married to me so much. There's a solution, just don't say yes in the first place.'

‘No, not like that. I meant in context. If they killed you and we were married, I'd kill myself too. I'm not watching my husband die in front of me and  _ living. _ ’

'Who said it'd be in front of you?'

‘I need to make sure you’re okay. Don’t you want to be with me?’

'Always, my dear. But I think it'd be worth dying if I could  _ really _ ruin the family tree.'

‘My dear doesn’t suit you, but also I'm sure they’d try and hunt me first.’

'My darling, it's me they'd want dead, not you.'

‘That doesn’t either, but also, if I'm somehow on the family tree, surely they’d want me gone too.’

'Even if you die you stay on the tree, sweetheart.'

‘Can’t they black you out though?’

'They can, and they will, but it'd still be worth it to get mother  _ that _ angry. If she hadn't disowned me yet and I'd found a way to get you on the tree… wow. And sweetheart? Really?'

‘Sweetheart suits you better. I'd prefer something else, but it’s the best you’ve given me.’

'Angel? Pumpkin? Cupcake? Baby?'

‘Cute. Food. Food. Infant.’

'Angel, sweetheart, and… honey?'

Remus looked timidly downward, and Sirius smiled at him.

'Honey?'

Remus tried to cover his blush with his jumper, but Sirius got there first, placing a hand on the side of Remus' face.

'Honey.'

Remus took his wrist, moved his palm towards his face, and kissed it softly, closing his eyes.

‘Honey.’

Sirius smiled softly, openly, lovingly, then spoke in a whisper.

'I still like my darling.'

‘I’d like to call you it, if I could.’

'You  _ can _ .'

‘I will, my darling.’

'C'mere, honey.'

Sirius pulled Remus down by the back of his neck into a smooth kiss.

‘I love you so much Sirius my darling.’

'I love you too honey.'

Sirius looked up at Remus, reached for his tie and pulled him down so that Sirius could whisper in his ear.

'But I'd love you more out of these fucking clothes.'


	8. Chapter 8

#  **Chapter 8:**

Remus was taken aback by the new tone in Sirius' voice. It was ruthless, and more of a growl than words.

‘What happened to the sweet moment?’

'I decided it wasn't hot enough, and I was getting cold.'

‘Why are you suddenly so horny?’

'Suddenly? I have been ever since you pushed me onto the bed.'

‘Oh, so the sweet bit was all a ploy to get me to fuck you?’

'Not quite, it's still applicable. I still want to call you honey and watch you blush when I come up with something even better.'

‘You won’t be able to.’

'Try me.'

Sirius let go of Remus' tie and placed a hand on his chest, pushing him back up to his normal height.

‘Weird way to tell me to be full height, but I do want to try you. Come on, I dare you to even  _ try _ and come up with something.’

'At least tell me  _ why _ you like honey so much first.'

‘Figure it out yourself if you’re so good.’

'So, you don't like the cutesy food ones, and I assume you don't like the other cutesy ones like  _ petal _ or  _ sunshine _ ?'

‘Petal doesn’t suit you, and sunshine from your mouth sounds sarcastic.’

' _ Petal doesn't suit me _ . And neither does dear or darling… so, you don't like the especially posh ones… at least coming from me. Do you, my love?'

‘That’s a grey area.’

'My love or the posh ones?'

‘The former.’

'Ah, so I was right about the latter?'

‘Yes.’

'Brilliant. You liked angel and sweetheart…  _ Remus Lupin! _ Do you want me to call you the names of a fifties housewife?!'

‘... I wouldn’t like to mention it.’

'Oh you  _ would _ .'

Sirius smiled, then sighed.

'You know honey, it's a shame there's not a piano in here.'

‘Why?’

'There are so many songs… well, one song I'd like to play for you... to  _ sing _ for you.'

Remus was trying his best to stay calm, with all this cuteness coming for him purposefully.

‘What’s that?’

'You'll have to wait and see… or find me a piano now.'

‘I thought you were horny.’

'That hardly matters now, I've got a song to sing for you.'

‘You don’t need a piano to sing.’

'I need a piano, it doesn't have the same effect without it.'

‘Then go find one, I'll follow.’

Sirius held out a hand to Remus, smiling at him, and Remus took it. 

‘So you have a plan?’

'I know where a piano is.'

Sirius walked out of the dorm, through the mostly empty common room, and out onto the corridor, Remus trailing a little behind him all the while. They began to walk away from Gryffindor tower, Sirius leading Remus up a different, smaller tower that Remus had never even remembered seeing before. They ascended a long spiral staircase before coming to a door which Sirius swung open dramatically. The room was almost completely empty and clearly not particularly cared for. The paint was peeling off the stone walls and the first few floorboards creaked unpleasantly underfoot. The only thing in the whole room was an old wooden upright piano which stood against the back wall of the neglected room. Sirius let go of Remus' hand once they were inside, and he closed the door. He took his wand out and charmed the stool to lengthen enough for both boys to fit comfortably on it. Sirius sat down and beckoned for Remus to sit beside him, and he did.

‘What song is it?’

'You'll see.'

Sirius winked at Remus.

'I think you'll probably know it. It's a muggle song.'

‘Obviously, wizard songs have stupid words in them.’

'Not  _ all  _ of them, but yes. I've found this certain genre of muggle music to be quite… favourable.'

Sirius smiled, and lay his hands on the keys gently, not yet pressing down.

'Ready, my sweet?'

Remus grinned with one side of his mouth.

‘Yeah.’

Sirius began to play, moving his elegant fingers gracefully over the keys, playing for a few seconds before starting to sing in a voice that was so intensely Sirius and not Sirius all at once. It was smooth and low and warm and Remus  _ loved _ it. But more than anything, he loved the song he'd chosen.  _ Let me call you sweetheart _ . Remus had recognised it almost instantly, and when he had, his face had split into the widest of grins.

‘Sirius…’

Sirius bumped his shoulder into Remus', still playing, still singing.

When the song was over, he let his hands lay gently on the keys again, and smiled to himself, almost timidly, almost embarrassed.

‘Sirius, I…’

'I know, it's sappy…'

‘It was lovely.’

Sirius turned his face to look up at Remus, eyes big on his handsome face.

'It was?'

‘Divine.’

Sirius smiled. 

'I wasn't sure… I didn't know which one to pick… It's not my favourite but…'

Remus put a hand on Sirius’ thigh.

‘It’s my favourite.’

'Really?'

‘It is now.’

Sirius laughed, and it wasn't his usual laugh. There was no mischief or cheek, just pure joy.

'It's true. Every word of it.'

’Even the bit about me whispering?’

' _ Every word _ .'

‘I wish I could marry you.’

'So do I, but I suppose we'll just have to settle for love songs instead.'

‘Just love songs?’

'Love songs, and everything they're about.'

‘Are there any explicit songs?’

'Probably.'

‘Because right now, I'm ready to do whatever you want me to do.’

'That's funny, because I was rather hoping you'd be able to scoop me up and disrobe me right here.'

‘There’s nowhere to put you on.’

'Get up.'

Sirius was already getting up from the stool, and Remus did too.'

‘As you say, sir.’

Sirius pointed his wand at the stool, and transfigured it into some sort of strange day-bed.

‘That’s too small. Can you do something bigger?’

Sirius walked over to the bed.

'I thought you might say that.'

He tugged at the bed and it pulled out into a double, he removed the top mattress and laid it out next to the other one, making the bed full size.

‘Impressive Mr Black.’

'What can I say? I'm good with my wand.'

Sirius winked at Remus, who rolled his eyes despite the blush that crept up his neck.

‘Shut your mouth.’

Remus picked Sirius up as instructed, placing him a bit roughly onto the bed, taking his tie off and starting to unbutton his shirt.

'So, how are we doing this?'

Sirius said, as he began to remove his own shirt and tie too.

‘However you want to. Up to you, you deserve it after that gorgeous song.’

'I want it gentle.'

‘Surprising. And also surprisingly hard to do. You don’t want me to be rough with you?’

'Oh, I'd  _ love _ for you to be rough with me, but on the other hand, I want this to be sweet.'

‘I’ve never done it like that before.’

'Neither have I.'

‘Well, this is going to be utter chaos, but honestly, I'll try my best. I think someone told me once sweet sex is easier tired, but we aren’t tired.’

'...We could be. Do you have anywhere to be?'

‘From now on? Like today?’

'Yeah.'

‘Just my bed I guess.’

'Then let's get tired, shall we?'

‘How do you propose we do that?’

Sirius grinned wickedly.

'Like this.'

Then he pounced.

‘Hey!’

Sirius grabbed at Remus' open collar and pulled him into a snog, absolutely ravaging his face.

‘Sirius, slow down, you’re making it too hard not to just throw you and fuck you.’

'Well do that then.'

‘You wanted it to be sweet.’

' _ Later _ , first, we're getting tired.'

‘Fine by me.’

Remus grabbed Sirius around his waist and threw him onto the mattresses. He then ripped Sirius’ trousers and boxers off, and his own, leaving his shirt on. He sat on the bed himself, lying on one end on a pillow.

‘Make me cum.’

'Sorry?'

‘Do it. I bet you can’t, you pussy.’

'Got any rules?'

‘No emotional manipulation. Only name-calling.’

'Can I touch you?'

‘How else are you meant to do it, or do you think you can do it without?’

'I  _ know _ I can do it without.'

‘You don’t know  _ shit _ .’

'Try me, bitch.'

‘No, you try me. Go on, get me to cum without touching me.’

Sirius snarled like a wild animal and crawled to sit right in front of Remus. He finished removing his shirt, and took off his shoes and socks before starting at Remus, completely naked.

'Oh honey, how am I going to do this? How am I, poor, helpless little Sirius, going to get you, strong,  _ hot _ Remus to cum?'

‘That’s your job to find out, isn’t it?’

'It most certainly is my angel, it most certainly is…'

Sirius studied Remus' face for a bit, lingering on his lips for a noticeable amount of time before lowering his gaze, studying Remus' body with hungry eyes. Sirius looked down and he bit his lip, he'd almost forgotten how  _ much _ of Remus there was, and how much he wanted it. His eyes flickered up back to Remus' face through heavy eyelids, then back down again.

‘Staring at me isn’t going to work. It’s making me hungrier for you, but not actually helping me get there.’

'But it's helping  _ me _ .'

Sirius said, and he glanced down at his own dick, already half hard.

‘Oh, is baby sad he can’t touch me? It was your own challenge, not mine. I'm letting you touch me if you want to.’

'Oh, I think you're quite mistaken, I'm nowhere near sad.'

Sirius shuffled a little bit closer, moving his head forward and sniffing at Remus' neck, still not touching him except for the light graze of his hair on Remus' shoulder.

‘You’re on thin fucking ice Sirius.’

'Sorry Re, you just smell so…'

Sirius shuddered, inhaling deeply.

'...So good.'

‘Then just touch me. I don’t mind.’

'But that would ruin the game, wouldn't it?'

‘For you maybe. For me, I just get your mouth around my cock.’

Sirius withdrew his head and sat back on his heels.

'You really  _ are  _ gorgeous. In every way. Fuck Re, you're one fine specimen.'

‘Complimenting me like James compliments Lily is turning me off.’

'Alright, how about I go about it my way then?'

‘Better.’

Sirius shifted to he was sitting cross-legged and watched Remus for a short while, after which he had to bite his lip. He was letting his own mind run wild and the thoughts were  _ really _ getting to him.

‘You having trouble keeping your hands off me?’

' _ So _ much trouble. Fuck, Remus, I  _ need _ you.'

‘I’m willing for you to wank while you suck me off.’

'I don't think I can… I think I might have to just…'

Sirius reached down and started to touch himself, still staring hazy-eyed at Remus.

‘Is that what you look like from the front?’

'Maybe… fuck Re, you're so  _ good _ !'

Remus was getting a bit frustrated. He didn’t want Sirius to force  _ his _ hand to wank too, but he knew full well that’s what he was trying to achieve. He didn’t want that.

‘I always am.’

Sirius, with great effort, removed his hand from himself, gulping hard to keep himself in check. He kneeled forward again.

'I just need…'

Sirius sniffed at Remus' neck again, making a choked almost sobbing noise when he inhaled.

‘You sound upset. Here, let yourself touch me, I know you want to.’

'I know, I do, I  _ really _ do. You're almost irresistible Moony,  _ almost. _ '

‘I am irresistible. Very irresistible. I  _ know _ you  _ need _ me.’

'I  _ do _ Remus,  _ fuck _ ! I need you so bad!'

Sirius' words came out more as a moan than anything else, he sat back down again as he had before, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

‘Come  _ on _ Sirius, I can feel how desperate you are. Just wank into my mouth, come on baby, I know you want to.’

'Fucking hell Remus, I want you to tackle me, to man-handle me, to have your dirty way with me! I need to feel you  _ everywhere _ !'

Sirius couldn't stop himself anymore, or at least, not from one thing. He reached back down, wanking again. He was basically panting now, moaning Remus' name in every variation. It took a lot of work for Remus not to ruin the challenge by just grabbing Sirius’ cock and just shoving it in his mouth, but by god did he not want to disappoint him.

‘Sirius, I really  _ really _ want to give you a blowjob. Please, fuck the challenge, I really want you to feel good for me.’

'You make me feel so good! Just the  _ thought _ of you makes me feel good!'

‘You’re making it really hard not to just spin you around and force myself into you.  _ Really _ hard.’

'I want you to, I want you to  _ so bad _ ! I want you to just take me and fuck me, to do whatever you want with me!'

‘Am I allowed to? I don’t want to upset you by breaking your challenge.’

'I've already lost, I'm not good enough at this,  _ clearly _ .'

‘But you haven’t touched me.’

' _ Still _ , that was the challenge and you're not losing.'

‘Too right I'm not fucking losing it. Let me fuck you as much as I want to.’

'Just do it already!'

Remus grabbed Sirius by the waist, turning him around so he was on all fours. He knelt and shoved his cock inside Sirius.

‘Good boy.’

Sirius screamed, and he grabbed Sirius’ hair with both of his hands, pulling it hard.

‘Very good boy.’

Sirius couldn't believe how much it hurt, how much it stung at the stretch, but he  _ loved _ it. He tried to swallow another yelp of pain as Remus pushed in deeper, but it came out as a guttural moan. Remus pulled his hair tighter.

‘You’re my good boy, aren’t you Sirius?’

Sirius growled out a moan in response, unable to form any actual words.

‘Use your words baby, you aren’t restricted.’

Remus pulled Sirius’ hair even more, letting it go a bit after, to make sure Sirius knew he  _ needed _ an answer in English.

' _ Yes _ .'

One word. That was all Sirius could manage. He was blinded completely by the intense pleasure and pain that pulsed through his whole body. But Remus needed more.

‘You know how I need it baby, full sentences. I'll ask you again.’

Remus pulled Sirius’ hair strong enough to get him to lift up to Remus’ level.

‘You’re my good boy,  _ aren’t _ you Sirius?’

Remus dropped Sirius back down to a forty-five-degree angle.

' _ Yes _ , I am!'

Sirius managed in a growl.

‘More please baby.’

Sirius was shaking all over from the intensity of it all, but he still somehow got something out that was still half a growl.

' _ Fuck,  _ Remus! I need you! I need  _ all _ of you!'

Remus dropped Sirius back to his hands and knees properly. He stopped moving.

‘I didn’t ask for that, did I?’

Sirius began to writhe under Remus' hands,  _ hating _ the lack of movement,  _ needing _ Remus to resume.

'Remus,  _ please _ ! I'm your good boy! The  _ best  _ boy!  _ Please _ do something!'

‘Of course baby, you deserve it. I'll give you myself.’

Remus pulled out, turning Sirius around so he was sitting down on the edge of the bed. Remus himself got off, kneeling on the cold floor, placing himself in front of Sirius.

‘Ready?’

' _ Fuck yes _ .'

Remus began to give Sirius a blowjob, and considering he’d never done it before, it was pretty good. As is in all unrealistic fanfics.

' _ Moony! Fuck! _ '

Sirius had wound his fingers into Remus' curls, and was gently guiding his head deeper. Remus, of course, couldn’t say anything, but he could speed up a bit, so he did.

'Yes! Like that! Fuck, Re, I'm ready!'

Remus decided he’d use a hand for the last bit, moving his mouth slightly further away from the bottom of the shaft, closer to the tip. He put his dominant hand where his mouth used to be, and moved it up and around like he’d heard Sirius describe. It was only a few seconds before Sirius spilled into Remus' mouth, shuddering and swearing. Remus decided it’d be rude to not take everything, so he swallowed all that was there, and licked Sirius clean.

‘That was a lot of cum Pads, how did you manage to give me so much?’

'It's a talent.'

‘A delicious talent.’

'Come on, let me repay the favour.'

‘Any day, just tell me what to do.’

'Get on the bed, I need to finish you off, Re.'

‘Perfect.’

Remus did as he was told, sitting on the bed like he was before. Sirius didn't care what Remus had just been doing, he leaned forward and kissed him, snogged him, and positively ravaged him. He'd let his hand snake down so he was able to get Remus off, twisting his wrist  _ just so _ in the way he personally liked best, making Remus curse enough that even a drunk divorced man at a bar would be surprised.

‘Fuck Sirius!...  _ Fuck _ ! Fuck  _ me _ !... Shit, shit, shit!...  _ Fuuuuuck! _ ’

Remus was so vocal that Sirius decided it was best to move away from his mouth, and started nipping at his neck, sucking and biting at it, while maintaining a steady rhythm with his hand. Remus started grinding into it, unintentionally.

‘Sirius, fuck, why are you so fucking  _ good?! _ ’

Sirius grinned into Remus' neck, sucking a red mark into it just beneath his jaw. He decided to speed up with his hand, he supposed that with something so large it would take more than his usual to get it off.

‘Fucking bite me, Sirius! Pads, just fucking hurt me!’

Sirius sucked a few more marks onto Remus' neck before biting down in his shoulder, not hard enough to break the skin, but definitely hard enough to bruise, making Remus moan louder than he’d done before.

‘ _ FUCK! _ ’

Sirius licked right from the bite to Remus' ear and began to nibble on it, once again increasing speed with his hand.

‘Oh fuck me, fuck me  _ hard _ ! Fuck, you’re too  _ good _ !’

'Are you close, baby?'

‘I’d say get fucking ready for it... Shit!’

Sirius wasn't surprised when Remus erupted all over his hand and both of their stomachs, but he giggled a little when he noticed the state of Remus' shirt and face.

‘Fuck… fuck Sirius, how?’

'How what?'

‘How the fuck did you manage to do that so quickly?’

'Well, to be fair, you'd already been fucking me a while beforehand.'

‘Still. I don’t know how your hands work such wonders. And I'm sorry I made a mess on you.’

'It's alright, I think I made a worse mess  _ of _ you.'

Sirius said, stroking a finger along Remus' neck and shoulder, where lay some already purplish hickeys and a very obvious bite mark.

‘Shit. I guess I'm going to need an excuse tomorrow.’

'I bet even if you told someone it was me they wouldn't believe you, the only one who might suspect would be James.'

‘I’m still saying I have a girlfriend to him and everyone else. I don’t want anyone calling me gay, or thinking you are especially.’

'I wish you didn't have to. I want to be able to show off that you're mine.'

‘Me too. I wish I could tell people how great a boyfriend you are, but also how much  _ amazing _ sex everyone else is missing out on. I know half of our year’s been with you, but you don’t do as well with them. Unless you do, which is fine, I just think having loving sex is better than paying for loveless sex.’

'Loveless sex with a poof.'

‘A bit awkward for them if they find out.’

Remus looked down at his shirt and wiped a bit of cum off of his chin.

‘Do you know any spells for this?’

'Yeah, let me just…'

Sirius grabbed his wand and spelled them both clean, then tossed his wand aside and lay down on his back.

'Re?'

‘Yes, my darling?’

'Do you think Peter or James would care if we didn't sleep in the dorm tonight?'

‘Peter wouldn’t care, and James, after what he pulled yesterday, would probably be a bit suspicious. But if we go back tomorrow at different times, they should both be fine.’

'Then let's stay here.'

‘It’ll be cold, do you have a blanket?’

'I can spell my shirt into one.'

‘Let’s at least put on our boxers, and then you can spell your shirt.’

They both grabbed their underwear and pulled it on, then Sirius managed to transfigure his shirt into a large blanket.

‘Well done Pads, you do very good work.’

'What can I say? I'm good with my wand.'

Sirius winked again at his consistently cheesy joke.

‘It seems you’re good with mine too.’

Sirius laughed and climbed into the bed, pulling the blanket over himself.

‘I love you Padfoot.’

Remus climbed into bed next to him, curling around him protectively.

'I love you too Moony.'


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the many months' delay, school kinda took over :/

#  **Chapter 9:**

A week or so later, Sirius had fully disabled all of his posters, adding additional charms which would inform anyone still with an appointment slip that he was now out of business. Sirius had also cast a spell on the room, making it near impossible to locate without the assistance of either himself or Remus, after all, they needed a place to hang out comfortably, preferably without a piano and a door that could be opened at any time. 

Today was different. Sirius had just gotten back from quidditch practice and had left James to his strategising. James could spend  _ hours _ drawing diagrams and detailed regimes on that chalkboard in the Gryffindor changing room, so when Sirius got back to the dorm and realised that Peter was most definitely at one of his various study sessions, he walked right over to Remus' bed, crawling into his lap. He was reading a book and hadn't even seen the handsome long-haired boy enter, not even knowing he was there until he was  _ right there _ .

'Hey.'

Sirius said softly, his lips brushing Remus' ear gently.

‘How was quidditch?’

'Good.'

Sirius sounded distracted and distant like quidditch wasn't even near his mind. 

‘What did you practice today?’

'Oh, you know… stuff.'

Sirius had shifted in Remus' lap so he was straddling his thighs.

‘Good, good. Can you move over a bit please? I'm reading.’

Sirius didn't leave, he just leaned in closer, pressing his face to the crook of Remus' neck.

'You can read later.'

‘I can’t, I'm with you later.’

'Then you can read tomorrow, just… you look so  _ cute _ .'

Remus blushed but kept his composure.

‘I’m doing the extracurricular reading for the test I have tomorrow, so I can’t read tomorrow, actually.’

'When have you ever not gotten an O on a test? Never. You'll be fine, this book won't make a difference.'

‘I’m not like you Sirius, I can’t just whiz my way through it. I need to secure the O, not risk it just so you can get whatever you want from me.’

'Okay, well, how about you read later instead? Switch the schedule up a bit?'

‘I have it planned out already Sirius, I'm not missing that time with you.’

'You're right, you're not, because we'll just have that now instead. I like it better here… it's too cold in that room.'

‘Then choose a different one. I'm reading now.’

Sirius sat back a bit, huffing and crossing his arms.

'You're boring.'

‘You’re interrupting my reading. Now buzz off before I force it on you, or maybe even… read it aloud.’

'Alright. So long as I get to still sit here.'

Remus took a long breath and sighed, realising what he would be getting himself into if he said yes, but also how sad Sirius would be if he said no.

‘Fine.’

Sirius' face lit up and he crawled around for a bit, settling atop Remus as if trying to cover him up.

‘Can you not block the view of my book, please? I don’t want to have to hold it up and get cramped arms.’

Sirius shuffled upward a little so his head was right next to Remus' and Remus could rest the book on Sirius' chest, his arms wrapped around him.

‘Thank you.’

Remus continued to read, and after a short while, Sirius was clearly getting bored. He kept looking to the side to see Remus' face, then sometimes kissing him on the cheek, but he was getting nothing in return. Sirius didn't like being ignored at the best of times, but right now he just wanted Remus all to himself. Sirius tilted his head a little more and began to suck on Remus' neck, and Sirius heard Remus' breath hitch as he did so. Sirius grinned at the hint of recognition.

‘Sirius.’

Sirius didn't stop, he decided to nibble along Remus' defined jaw, nipping at his ear a little.

‘ _ Sirius. _ ’

Sirius stopped and kissed Remus on the cheek.

'Yes, sweetheart?' 

‘Please stop distracting me.’

Sirius rolled his eyes.

_ 'Fine _ .'

He huffed and relaxed back to how he initially was.

‘Thank you, darling.’

After about five more minutes of reading, Sirius was once again very bored. He didn't want to distract Remus this time, well, he  _ did _ want to, but he knew it wasn't wise to annoy him. Instead, he slipped out from under his arms and before Remus could even look at where he'd gone, Sirius had turned into Padfoot. Padfoot curled up over Remus' thighs and closed his eyes, evidently wanting to fall asleep there. Remus took one hand off his book, still looking at it, and petted him.

‘Good boy Padfoot.’

Padfoot made a little 'ruff' noise in appreciation and nudged his nose into Remus' hand affectionately. Remus looked down at him.

‘I wish Sirius was this good.’

He looked back at his book smugly, restarting to read the page.

'Ruff!'

Padfoot barked loudly at Remus' withdrawn hand.

‘Padfoot, I need to read.’

Padfoot growled at him, shoving his head into Remus' hand, knocking the book out of it.

‘Hey, I need to read okay, no petting until I'm done.’

Padfoot sat up and lowered his head, giving Remus the sad dog eyes.

‘Don’t do this to me Padfoot.’

Padfoot whimpered a little as if he was about to cry.

‘Please.’

Padfoot looked defeated and slumped down onto Remus' lap again, his head resting on Remus' belly, looking up at him as he retrieved his book again and started to read.

After a few minutes of only being able to think of the sad dog on his lap, Remus put his book down on the bedside table. Almost instantly Padfoot perked up.

‘Fine.’

Padfoot's tail began to wag violently and he stuck his tongue out, panting happily.

‘Alright, you were sad enough to stop me from reading, well done, all medals go to you. Come here, you idiot.’

Remus rubbed the top of Padfoot’s head, petting him firmly. Padfoot licked Remus' face and barked gleefully at the attention he was getting.

‘You were really starved weren’t you, you good boy?’

Remus tried his best to get Padfoot off of his face, failing miserably, laughing at his loss. Padfoot was so overjoyed he had jumped up a little, his paws on Remus' shoulders as he licked all over his face.

‘Oh no! I'll need to wash my face after this. Thanks, Pads.’

Padfoot looked mildly ashamed of himself for a second before Remus rubbed the top of his head again and he tried his best to show Remus how much he appreciated him.

‘When did you get so cute Padfoot? You’re too adorable!’

Padfoot barked his approval, his tail still wagging excitedly.

‘Look at you! Thanks for making me happy!’

Padfoot panted a couple more times, licked the side of Remus' face one last time, then with a small pop Sirius sat on Remus' lap once more. Remus instantly forced a blank face.

‘Great, the ugly one’s back.’

'Oh hush, you love me really.'

‘Maybe I was lying? Have you ever thought of that? And get off me, I need to wash up because you’re a messy, sloppy dog.’

'You do realize I'm still conscious inside Padfoot, right? I control his actions and can understand everything you're saying.'

‘I know.’

Remus said with a sarcastic smile, shoving Sirius off him so he could go wash his face. Once he was back and sitting on the bed again, Sirius crawled atop him again.

'Can I distract you  _ now _ ?'

‘It’s not really distracting if I'm not doing something else. So I'm going back to reading.’

Remus promptly picked up his book again, with no intention of reading any more than a page.

'Oh no, you're not.'

Sirius immediately made his way between Remus' face and the book and began to kiss him, weaving delicate fingers through fine curls.

‘Sirius, I'm meant to be reading.’

'You gave up the second Padfoot wanted you to.'

Sirius decided that a snog wouldn't cut it, it might be blocking the view but it wouldn't get him what he wanted. He began to bite gently at Remus' neck letting one of his hands roam down and snake under the hem of Remus' shirt.

‘Sirius, if you don’t stop…’

'If I don't stop?'

‘Yes, if you don’t stop.’

'Then I won't.'

Sirius let his hand drift up so it was flat against Remus' chest, he pulled on Remus' hair a little with his other, letting the biting on Remus' neck get a little less gentle. Remus closed his book aggressively, shoving it back on the bedside table.

‘Oh, now you’ve done it!’

He took Sirius’ hair, yanked his head off of his neck, and started to snog him like there was no tomorrow. Sirius was grinning, he'd gotten  _ exactly _ what he wanted, and even though he'd never admit it, Remus knew he was like butter in Sirius' hands.

‘Don’t look at me like that you smug prick, I knew what you were doing, you aren’t special.’

'Not at all.'

Sirius pulled a little more on Remus' hair and tugged at his bottom lip with his teeth. Remus breathed into Sirius’ mouth and decided that if he was going to carry on with this, he might as well make it easier for Sirius. He began to lift up his jumper, moving his face away from Sirius’ so he could get it over his head. As soon as he did so, he went back to snogging him, slowly unbuttoning his shirt after taking his tie off. Sirius began to remove his shirt and tie too,  _ longing _ for more contact, more skin to skin,  _ more _ . Once both had removed their shirts Sirius pulled Remus closer by his waist. They were both kneeling upright on the bed, pressed together as closely as physically possible, seemingly locked together in an embrace so tight nothing could break it. Well, almost nothing… 

'What the actual fuck?!'

The two boys had been so caught up in  _ each other _ that they hadn't even noticed the door swing open, let alone James standing in the doorway, mouth open in horror. The boys broke apart instantly upon hearing James’ voice, Remus looking panicked, and Sirius looking terrified.

‘IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, I SWEAR.’

James leered at Remus.

'Oh, so you  _ weren't _ just snogging Sirius so hard I thought you might collapse?'

‘No, it was for… practice. Because he’s so good with his clients and stuff, I needed someone to help me practice for next time a girl asks me to go on a date with her.’

'Uh, yeah! He just didn't want to seem like a fool.'

James scoffed.

'Yeah, that looked  _ so much _ like practice. You need to take your shirts off for practice, I assume? And you get hard from snogging blokes  _ for practice _ ?'

‘I’m not hard.’

He wasn’t, but Sirius was.

'He's not, to be fair.'

'But  _ you _ are!'

Sirius winced and sat down gingerly, tossing a blanket over his lap.

‘It’s a pair of socks James. He kept it there earlier just in case he needed a pair later, but never took it out.’

'Okay wow, I'm genuinely offended that you think I'm  _ that _ stupid.'

‘It is a pair of socks!’

'Fuck sake Moony, I don't care about that. And I don't care if you two were snogging for real. It's none of my business, is it? I was just… surprised, alright?'

‘Funny that, considering you kissed me the other day.’

'Hey! I'm still allowed to be shocked that my best friends are snogging!'

‘No! And we were doing it for practice anyway, Sirius was hard before we started.’

Sirius was still looking particularly guilty, scared to say anything since he was such an awful liar.

'Remus, mate,  _ I don't care if you're gay _ .'

‘I’m not gay!’

'Okay, alright, well I don't care if you're like me then. And I don't care if you are either Pads.'

‘He’s not anything, he likes girls, it was practice.’

'Remus. Please stop lying to me. I'm not gonna do anything, I'm not gonna tell anyone, I'd just appreciate the truth.'

Remus tried a more experimental method of lying.

‘Alright, okay, I'll be honest with you. I might like Sirius a tiny bit, but he doesn’t like me. I asked him for practice as an excuse to snog him. Okay? Sorry I had to tell you Sirius.’

Sirius looked bewildered for a second before he caught on.

' _ Oh _ , right. Oh, darn Moony! I was so… uhhh… I do so love women!'

James laughed at Sirius' horrendous lie.

'Wow, Sirius really fucked that one up for you, didn't he Re?'

‘He likes women, what can I say? He’s fucked up my life with his lack of liking to men, that’s for sure.’

'That's a shame, not that I believe you for a second, but on the off chance that this  _ isn't _ a regular occurrence, I'm kind of sad, you two would be great together.'

‘No, we’d be terrible! Disgusting! He’d be so badly treated he couldn’t deal with it. I'm a monster James, and I'm super aggressive, so I'd ruin his life, if I haven’t already.'

'You're not ruining my life Moony! You make it worthwhile! You're not a monster, you're my angel!'

James raised an eyebrow and leaned against the doorframe as if he'd just won a bet. Remus closed his eyes in sorrow, and muttered under his breath.

‘...Fuck…’

Sirius almost instantly wrapped his arms around Remus, hugging him tightly. 

'It's okay honey, we're alright.'

James chuckled.

'Yeah,  _ honey _ .'

‘Shut the fuck up James, Lily isn’t calling  _ you _ anything, is she? Besides maybe annoying.’

'Oh, she's warming to me. And I assume you two are… a thing, per se?'

‘No, we’re-‘

'Yes, we are! He's my gorgeous, sexy, adorable boyfriend!'

James chuckled again as Sirius completely ruined any plan Remus had to keep this under wraps.

‘I hate you, I swear.’

'You love me really.'

‘I don’t, I hate you.’

'Well, I still love you.'

Sirius kissed Remus on the cheek and James sighed.

'You two are so cute together.'

‘Shut up James. We aren’t together.’

Sirius pulled away from the hug held wrapped Remus in, and looked him in the eyes, looking sad and concerned.

'Are you… are you breaking up with me?'

Remus looked to the bed before hugging Sirius, and kissing him properly. He rested his forehead on Sirius’ and went back on all of what he’d said to James, softly.

‘Of course not my darling, don’t worry, we’re still together. Okay?’

'Okay. Love you, sweetheart.'

‘I love you too Pads.’

Remus kissed Sirius on the forehead and then sat down on the bed, forgetting James was there. James cleared his throat.

'So you two are together?'

‘Don’t you dare tell anyone about how soft I get for Sirius, okay? I'll kill you, Potter.’

'I wasn't planning on telling anyone, full stop.'

‘Good, but especially don’t tell them what I just did.’

'I won't, I won't. I'll leave you to it.'

James winked at them before turning and leaving, closing the door behind him. Remus slumped down, taking Sirius into his chest, and resting his chin on his hair.

‘For fuck’s sake, why did he have to come in?’

'It's James. His life motto is basically 'wrong place, wrong time'.'

‘Justifying it doesn’t help, Sirius.’

'Yeah, well, he won't tell anyone. And he doesn't care. So I count this as a win.'

‘I think it’s a net loss.’

'I don't know what this has to do with nets, but okay.'

Remus chuckled.

‘Sometimes, I do like how not muggle you are. Sometimes.’

'And sometimes I wonder what foot- _ ball _ is, but you know.'

‘If you move in with me sometime, I'll teach you what foot- _ ball _ is.’

Sirius grinned at him.

'Yeah, maybe.'


	10. Chapter 10

#  **Chapter 10:**

It wasn't long before there was a Hogsmeade weekend, and  _ somehow _ James had convinced Lily to go with him. Peter was, as was usual this year, too busy studying to go, meaning that Sirius and Remus were able to go together. It was cold outside. Really cold in fact. So cold that no one would think twice when Sirius would appear in Remus' jumper, they were clearly very warm after all. Thanks to the cold, it also meant that Sirius and Remus were one of the few people who still decided to go on the trip.  _ Usually, _ when this trip took place every year it was snowing, but today it was too cold for snow. Sirius, who was clearly very good at charms, had helped James and Remus spell their coats heated. Despite this, he and Remus still walked close together on their way to the small village. No one gave them off looks. Why would they? It was freezing cold, why wouldn't you huddle together?

‘Hey Pads?’

'Yeah, angel?'

Remus blushed and smiled at Sirius.

‘That’s all.’

Sirius smiled up at him and squeezed his hand. Sirius hadn't brought any gloves, so he had one hand in his own pocket, and the other in Remus', holding his hand tightly. 

When they arrived, Hogsmeade was mostly empty. It was obvious that although the main street was almost deserted, the shops weren't so much. The windows of Honeyduke's were steamed up, but it was still obvious how full the shop was. They both glanced at each other, and wordlessly decided that they could always go another time when there was space to move inside the not very large shop. It wasn't like they didn't know their way to Hogsmeade. They passed Zonko's too, another overflowing shop, and a couple of others. There weren't many places that seemed empty enough, until they reached the Hog's head. It was a dingy pub, and Remus wasn't yet eighteen, but they could always just order some butterbeer, they would be allowed in. They walked in and it was as dreary inside as it was out, if not moreso. There were only three or so customers in the pub, two of which were sitting at the bar, and another at a table at the front. The barkeep looked ragged and intimidating, so they ordered their butterbeer quickly before sitting in a secluded booth at the back (if you could even call it a booth). Sirius blew the dust off his butterbeer bottle, then with a trick he'd been taught one Christmas at the Potter's, he uncapped the bottle on the edge of the table.

‘Impressive!’

'Do you want me to do yours? Or are your big hands strong enough to not need my skilful assistance?'

‘I think I'll manage.’

Remus said this with very mild seeming confidence. Enough that he sounded like he could, but not enough that he didn’t sound like he decided it at the moment. He tried his best to take the cap off, trying every method he’d seen people do with their hands. It took about a minute for him to realise he couldn’t do it, before blushing a bright red and becoming timid.

‘I… I think I need your assistance.’

Sirius put a hand out and grabbed the bottle.

'What's the magic word?'

‘Please?’

'Thank you.'

And in a second, the cap was off.

'There, fresh… ish butterbeer.'

‘Thank you Pads.’

'No worries sweetheart.'

Remus blushed even more, taking his bottle back and looking down at the table. There was a pause before he spoke.

‘... I really want to kiss you right now.’

'I want to too, but you know we can't.'

Remus looked a bit sadder.

‘I know. Maybe one day.’

He took a sip of the butterbeer, clearly not as fresh as labelled, looking back up at Sirius with a smile.

‘I’m realising something Pads.’

'What's that?'

‘I’m at the happiest point in my life right now.’

'Says who?'

‘...Me.’

'Well then, you're not. You're at the happiest point  _ so far _ .'

‘You know that’s what I meant.’

'I didn't know, actually.'

‘Lousy boyfriend you are.’

'Well, you've got lousy self-esteem. I don't know what you mean half the time.'

‘You should.’

'But you say stupid stuff, or really clever stuff. There's no in-between with you.'

‘Really?’

'Yeah, like you're either spouting wisdom or saying something that a blind person could see was wrong.'

‘Like what my love?’

'Like how you never think or say good things about yourself, it's stupid.'

‘It’s not, it’s the truth. I'm not as great as you think I am. I'm pretty shit really.’

'See? Stupid.'

‘Stupid is refusing to sit down with me without getting attention.’

'No, that's just being starved of attention for eleven years.'

‘Fine, that then, but what I say isn’t stupid, it’s objective truth.’

'It's not though.'

Sirius reached out a hand to hold Remus'.

'You, Remus John Lupin, are my favourite person in the whole wide world.'

Remus smiles gladly, before taking Sirius’ hand and his face dropping.

‘That’s such a dangerous statement.’

'But it's not. I'm not in any danger. Not caused by you, not directly. For sure if we kissed now, and I'd  _ love  _ to, but if we did, then I'd be in danger. But generally, with you? No danger at all.'

‘There is so much danger. Around a full moon, I'm grouchy, aggressive, annoyed. On a full moon, I am so dangerous that I can’t be around anyone. I'm the most dangerous student here. I shouldn’t even be allowed near a school, never mind people in general.’

'Come on Re, that's just stupid. You're dangerous for what? Eight hours, once a month? That's fine. And anyway, you  _ can _ be around people. You're around me and Wormtail and Prongs most every time. Granted it's not always all of us, but mostly, and it's not like we're in danger.'

‘But you  _ aren’t  _ people. You’re animals. Yes, you technically  _ are _ people, but in animal form. I don’t  _ want _ to kill animals. Ever. That’s just not what my form wants. It  _ wants _ to attack people. I don’t know why, I know it doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it is. If someone even stepped near me they’d be dead in a second. Instantly. There is a very much near zero percent survival rate. That’s dangerous.’

'Well firstly I'm ashamed of you Moony, I thought you listened in defence against the dark arts. People who suffer from lycanthropic episodes only want to harm humans because you can't get were-dogs or were-deer. The wolf only wants to reproduce. It's like it's horny… kinda… but for biting. Ha, kinda like me! Anyway, that's besides the point. I'm not in danger. At all. Because at any point I can just turn into Padfoot, and I'll be alright.'

‘Sirius, I'm still very dangerous. If it was all about reproduction, it’d be evolved to be more manipulative, less harmful. Books aren’t written by people who are those things. Yes, it makes sense, but not scientifically enough to make  _ complete _ sense. I'm dangerous, end of. And unless you can give me about twenty reasons why not, I don’t know if I will ever agree with you.’

'I could give you a hundred, but first I  _ really _ think you need to educate yourself more on lycanthropy, Wolfy McWolf-face. The werewolf is both harmful  _ and _ manipulative. Remember in fifth year, when you just… well, you got hot?'

‘That’s not manipulation, it wasn’t with ill intent willingly.’

'It  _ is _ manipulation. A maturing werewolf will become… more attractive than most people. They will be 'stereotypically' attractive, or at least, moreso. Typically, a lycanthropic being would use their human charm to lure people to their den before a full moon, or if not then, to gain their trust so that they will be there for the transformation. Of course it's strangely counterproductive, since nowadays the werewolf usually goes off attack alone, so the energy has died down over the years, favouring aggression over anything else, but it has been recorded that a few hundred years ago werewolves used to exude such lust, and such alluring energy that they would be completely irresistible. Of course it's dulled quite a bit, but one will still be more than average on the hotness scale and will become more tempting closer to the full moon. It's really interesting actually, one of the only classes I actually paid any attention to.'

‘Well, all that is bullshit if the person is raised by the right people. I'm not manipulative at all, otherwise, I would’ve bitten you already. Do I want to do that? No, that’s the thing I want to do the least. I would kill myself before I had to do that. Near a full moon, I'm less attractive or tempting because it hurts to even walk around. None of that bullshit applies to me, except maybe the part about me getting hotter, but everyone did that.’

'Remus, it does apply to you. You don't notice things because you're used to it, but you basically shimmer the day before the full moon. Not literally, but like as if there's a haze of… something around you. Something that just draws people in. Also, you don't want to bite me and you try not to be manipulative because of your upbringing, but if you had embraced being a werewolf, then you would be more like this. You're different because you try to be more human instead of embracing it. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're not, but I also think a lot of the reason you're in pain before the full moon is because you're resisting it. Not the bone pain, that's supposed to happen, but the headaches? That's just you trying to resist your own urges. Deep down you want to bite me. I know you hate to give in to your instincts, and I  _ know _ you hate thinking about them, but just this once, please. Wait, no. I know you. When we've finished our drinks we can go to the shack. I'll be Padfoot and you can think, alright?'

‘No, I don’t want to. I don’t want to hurt anyone or anything. I don’t want to even think about it.’

'I know you don't, my love, but it might help. Maybe if you acknowledge that these things are there, don't give in to them, just recognise them, then they'll cause you less strain.'

‘I know I have urges Sirius, I'd prefer to just fuck them out of me.’

'And what happens when you bite me, eh? If you don't let yourself ease them away, what happens to me? I know you're not dangerous Moony, but the wolf is. Not to Padfoot, but to me. I'm sorry, but I really think this would be good for you.'

‘I don’t want you to turn back by accident and get hurt.’

'I'm not going to turn back by accident, that can't and doesn't happen. It takes effort to turn and effort to turn back. Whatever state I'm in I'm comfortable, I can't slip up.'

‘I… I'm not able to say no, am I?’

'No. Sorry Re, I'm putting my foot down.'

Remus muttered under his breath.

‘Size seven.’

'You can be bitter if you want, but I'm doing this for your own good.'

Remus sighed.

‘Yeah, alright I get it. Fine. After this, we can go. But not before I buy you stuff.’

'Honey, you don't have the money, that's stupid.'

‘I don’t care. I have to say sorry for the mess I'll make somehow.’

'You're not going to make a mess. But I would like to go to Honeyduke's.'

‘So I'm getting you something, okay?’

'... Alright.' 

They went into Honeyduke's, the smell of sweets was over them along with a tidal wave of noise and warmth. Sirius pulled on Remus' sleeve to get his attention.

'Re, I'm gonna look at the spicy stuff for a bit, pick out some nice sweets while I'm there?'

‘Yeah, got it.’

Remus let go of Sirius’ hand and looked around for a bit. He grabbed a couple of Sirius’ favourite toffees and put them in one of the paper bags. He grabbed some lollies too, and walked back to Sirius.

‘Hey, you found anything you want yet?’

'Oh no, I'm just looking, you just pick some sweets, I want to be surprised.'

‘I’ve already got you all I can think of without your opinion, if you want something, I don’t want to disappoint you.’

'I'm not picky honey, just choose what looks the most colourful and offensive.'

‘Offensive. I love how you describe things.’

'And I love you, now go forth and get me the most horrendously atrocious sweets known to man.'

‘...Is it for a prank?’

'No, I just like the ones that look like an acid trip.'

‘I could get you some that imitate an acid trip if you want?’

'That's just acid, Re. I think you'd need to go elsewhere for that. Now come on, I don't wanna be in here forever, but I do wanna find these spicy sweets.'

‘Okay, okay, I'm going.’

Remus looked around a bit more, picking up a couple of everything. He managed to find some Turkish delights in the muggle section, which he thought Sirius would enjoy. Not the disgusting rosewater ones, the actual good flavours, like strawberry, raspberry, any berry really, and apple to try. He grabbed a couple more handfuls of stuff, and went back to Sirius for the second time.

‘Okay, I've grabbed everything I can.’

'Perfect. Come on, let's pay and go.'

They walked up to the counter and put their stuff on the counter.

‘Hi, could I get this bag please?’

'Of course young man. Is that all?'

The old woman at the counter had picked up the bag and put it on a weighing scale.

‘Yes, thank you.’

She smiled and handed the bag back to him, folding the top over neatly.

'Great, that'd be three sickles.'

‘Here you go.’

Remus rummaged around in his coat pocket and grabbed three sickles out of it, handing them to the woman.

'Thank you dear, have a nice day!'

‘You too!’

Remus walked out of the shop, Sirius following close behind. They began to walk up the street, towards the shrieking shack. It wasn't all that far, but was a ten-minute walk nevertheless. When they got to the door, they looked up at the building. It was strange for them both to go into the shack this way, but Sirius pushed the door open and they ascended the stairs to the main floor.

'Alright sweetheart, are you ready?'

Remus’ foot started tapping.

‘I don’t think I ever will be.’

Sirius shrugged off his heavy cloak then walked up and put a hand gently on the side of Remus' face.

'You'll be alright. Padfoot will be here with you the whole time.'

‘I know but… I don’t want to think about anything like what you said.’

'I know it's difficult, but I'm  _ sure _ it'll help.'

‘What if it doesn’t?’

'Then nothing will change.'

‘But what if it gets worse?’

'That's just what it is. But I don't think it will, it makes sense for it to make things a little better.'

‘I still don’t want to risk it.’

Sirius stood on his tiptoes and pecked Remus on the lips.

'Do it for me?'

‘...Alright.

Sirius smiled at Remus one last time before a slight  _ pop _ could be heard and Sirius had turned into Padfoot. Remus sat down on the floor cross-legged and Padfoot laid his head on Remus' lap. Remus began to stroke Padfoot to calm himself, then he stopped, closed his eyes, and let himself sink. Remus sank into his thoughts, through them like a rock sinking through treacle. He let layers of himself strip away, let himself lose what was human about him so that he could, for once, give some attention to the wolf within. Remus had expected it to be violent, but it was surprisingly calm. Or at least, the feeling was. It almost felt like sinking into a hot bath, except the water was a little  _ too _ hot, as if he was burning a little at the shock of it. The wolf seemed to be very in tune with its surroundings, and now so was Remus. He could feel his clothes on his body, feel the weight of Padfoot, feel his breath against his leg through his trousers. He could hear the students in Hogsmeade, laughing and gossiping. He couldn't make out any words, but the general chatter was obvious. Every one of his senses went into overdrive, and he felt like a roaring fire, but for once, rather than fearing burning anyone who came close, he was trying to draw them in with his warmth, wanting them to touch and succumb to the flames. Remus realised a lot of things. He let himself be aware of how strong he was, let himself open to his almost superhuman abilities, let himself realise what parts of him wanted deep down. He wanted to bite. That was it. His deepest, darkest, most repressed desire. Remus came to himself at the shock of that, and managed to climb back up to his normal self, or a normal self. He still felt too aware, so in tune with himself and the world around him. But he knew that he didn't want to bite. It was a strange duality now, he was more comfortable in himself, despite the slight shift. He just felt clearer, as if being able to see what he was helped him control it better while he was in control. He felt… good. He looked down and smiled at Padfoot who had barely moved an inch, and ruffled his fur, feeling every strand under his fingertips.

‘Hey, I think I'm safe now.’

Padfoot lifted his head, taking a step or so back before turning back into Sirius. He smiled at Remus for a second before noticing how cold he was, and putting his cloak back on, and sitting next to Remus.

'You alright?'

‘Kind of. It was scary, but I do feel a bit better.’

Sirius reached into the pocket of his cloak and brought out a chocolate bar, handing it to Remus.

'I'm glad. I'm so proud of you.'

Remus looked at the chocolate bar and then at Sirius.

‘...Did you steal this?’

'No, I bought it while you thought I was looking for spicy sweets.'

‘Are you sure?’

'I have the receipt.'

‘I believe you, don’t worry, I just wanted to check.’

Remus tore the wrapper off the chocolate bar, taking a bite out of it.

‘Thanks for being proud of me.’

'I'm always proud of you. Always. You're the bravest guy I know Re, and you just did something amazing.'

‘It wasn’t really all that amazing.’

'It was. It took so much courage to do that.'

‘It didn’t really take courage.’

'Oh hush. I'm proud. How do you feel?'

‘More in control I guess. Still a bit scared, but I think I'll get over it soon enough.’

'Good, if you're struggling at all please know you can always ask me for help. I'm always here for you honey.'

‘And I'm always here for you, my love.’

Sirius shuffled over slightly so he could lean against Remus.

'Why are you always so warm?'

‘My body heat leaves my body all the time, so I'm warm.  _ I  _ don’t feel warm, but my skin is very warm to the touch.’

'Well, I like it. My own personal radiator with a cosy jumper coating.'

‘I like how soft your skin is. It’s amazingly smooth and supple, and it feels very nice against my skin.’

'Sounds like we're a good match then.'

‘I guess so.’

'The perfect match, I'd be willing to wager.'

‘How much?’

'Any amount. As much as I have. I just love you  _ that _ much.'

‘If I had more, I'd bet more. I'd wager all of my jumpers and my parents that we’re the perfect match.’

Sirius leaned a little further and kissed Remus on the cheek.

'You're perfect.'

‘No, you’re perfect.’


	11. Chapter 11

#  **Chapter 11:**

It was a cold crisp day, and most everyone was indoors. It was the start of the Christmas holidays, or rather, the weekend before they were due to leave. Sirius had already decided not to go to the Black household for Christmas, and had of course gotten an invite from the Potters, but he'd also gotten an invite from the Lupins. Remus had obviously asked his parents to do so, possibly explaining that he wasn't welcome at home due to differing political opinions on blood status, or even simply due to the shame of their Gryffindor son. Either way, Sirius had to choose. Of course, Sirius wanted to spend Christmas with the Potters, who were like family to him now, but then there was Remus… Sirius imagined waking up on Christmas morning wrapped in Remus' arms. He imagined wearing an oversized Christmas jumper as he ate Christmas dinner in their small country house in Wales. It was lovely to think all of this, but then there was something else. The fact that if he stayed with Remus for Christmas, Remus would have even more reason for him to agree to move in, even more fuel to his fire.

'I think I'll just go to the Potter's.'

Sirius said to Remus, as if it wasn't a big deal, as if he hadn't been thinking this through for the past three days.

‘...Okay!’

Remus was crushed. He’d hoped so hard that Sirius would stay with him over Christmas. He wished he could spend the first Christmas together with him, but no dice. A frown made its way to his face, but he swiftly used all the muscles he could with his lips to turn it into a smile. He was trying hard not to cry.

'Hey, Re, I don't mean… it's just that they're my family, yanno?'

Sirius could tell that Remus was upset. He didn't want to hurt him, not ever.

‘Yeah, okay!’

Remus kept the same smile, less to convince Sirius this time, more to hold back tears. He was eager to get to the dorms so he could cry alone as he usually did, so he turned and walked in the direction. Sirius trailed after him, unintentionally light-footed as usual, and only making himself known once they'd gotten to the dorm.

'Honey, I know you want me to go, but it's hard for me, alright?'

‘Why the fuck are you here?! Just go! Leave me alone!’

Remus had started tearing up, and he didn't want Sirius to see just how upset he really was. He didn’t like shouting, but that’s all that could distract from the crying. Sirius flinched back at Remus' raised voice. Where most raised their pitch when they shouted, Remus lowered his. It gave him a threatening edge that reminded Sirius of his parents. Sirius was used to getting shouted at, but the tone with which Remus always shouted scared Sirius right to his soul.

'I… I just wanted to make sure you were okay…'

‘Yes, I'm absolutely fine! Just fucking go!’

Remus' words were coming out as growls through his unintentionally bared teeth, and it made Sirius shake with fear. He stood his ground however, he knew that Remus would never hurt him, no matter how much his body was telling him to run for his life.

'You're… you're not fine. Just let me-'

Sirius took a step closer to Remus, who immediately shouted back at him.

‘I’m not in the mood to see you right now, so it’d be great if you could just leave! Just! Go!’

Remus’ tears flew forward when he pointed towards the door with everything he could. He really would’ve preferred it if Sirius had gone, but of course he had to stay. He had to watch him cry over his own decision. Remus hated making people feel bad and changing their opinions, even worse with tears, so he did all he could do to get him out.

'Remus, you're upset, tell me what's wrong.'

Sirius was trying to sound calm, trying to sound comforting, but that was pretty difficult when you were scared shitless. 

‘You’re what’s wrong! You! Now go before I completely fucking lose it!’

Sirius inhaled sharply, having to hold his breath to stop himself from bursting into tears right then and there. He gulped down the lump in his throat, tried to remind himself that it was just Moony, he would never hurt him, then spoke.

'Then tell me what I did. I can't make this better if you don't help me understand. I don't want you upset, Re.'

‘Maybe I want to be upset! Maybe I want you to leave me the fuck alone! Maybe you should go back to the fucking Potters and have your fun little time there! Ignore your boyfriend completely and have fun with everyone else who clearly matters more! Just piss off and leave while you still can.’

Remus' words hit Sirius like bricks, each one hurting him more than the last.

'No. You have  _ no _ idea how difficult it was for me to choose to stay with the Potters. You matter to me more than anything else in the whole world Remus, more than school, more than magic, more than James, you mean  _ the most _ . But two weeks in the house of people who I barely know, and my boyfriend that I'm not supposed to have feels like just more hiding. Two weeks of me being unable to look your mother in the eye because she has no idea what I've done to her son, and how much she'd hate me, that she'd blame me for ruining you. And what if something came up? What if your dad said something? I'm an awful liar Re, and I'm for some reason fucking incapable of not standing up for my beliefs. What if your dad said something homophobic? What if your mum used a slur? I can't live in a house for even two weeks with the fear that I'm constantly disappointing or dishonouring the hosts.  _ Surely _ you can understand that?'

Remus took a pause.

‘...No, I don’t think I can. You’re being so fucking stupid. Just go before you end up dead, Sirius.’

Remus had stopped shouting, but it didn't help. In fact, there was now something far more sinister in his eyes, something Sirius had never seen before in Remus. His brown eyes seemed to gleam golden and were full of what Sirius could only assume was pure hatred. Sirius backed away a little, genuinely for the first time thinking Remus might snap.

'... Sweetheart?'

‘Don’t you dare call me that.’

'Remus…  _ please _ .'

‘Stop ruining today before it turns into my life. Just go.’

'I can't.'

‘Why not? It’s not too hard to take a couple steps out a door, and a few more further to  _ stay alive _ .’

'You won't hurt me, Remus.'

‘And how do you know that? Maybe the stupid thinking thing you had me do the other day fucked over my control, and now I  _ will  _ hurt you. Have you thought of that? No, because you don’t choose to think, do you?’

Sirius gulped. He  _ hadn't _ thought of that, but even so, he knew Remus wouldn't hurt him. While Remus was human, he was still there, and Sirius  _ knew _ Remus loved him. Even if he didn't show it. Sirius took a step closer, maintaining eye contact.

'You won't hurt me.'

‘Maybe I'll just kill you before you feel hurt.’

Sirius took another step forward again.

'No, you won't.'

‘You don’t know that. How would you know? Are you a werewolf? No. Do you have any references to ones other than me? No. I say before you get mauled to death and I get kicked out of school, you go.’

Sirius just kept staring into Remus' golden eyes and stepped closer, only a couple of feet away now.

'I know  _ you _ , and you won't hurt me.'

‘Before me wouldn’t. You have  _ no _ idea how I've been feeling since the thinking. I've been thinking more. And more, and more. So maybe you should stop putting yourself in harm's way like the lovesick idiot you are, and think this over. It’s not like you really cared anyway.’

Sirius shook his head dismissively, stepping forward again.

'I will  _ always _ care about you, sweetheart.'

‘If that was true you’d have agreed to stay with me over Christmas. Don’t fucking lie to me.’

Sirius moved so he was just a foot away now, and smiled sadly up at Remus.

'I could never lie to you, angel. I love you more than life itself.'

‘Then you might as well die, because your life clearly doesn’t mean very fucking much, does it?’

Sirius shrugged, then gently placed a hand on Remus' chest.

'I think  _ you're _ worth quite a lot.'

‘Clearly not enough.’

Remus pushed Sirius’ arm away from his chest, moving him by a significant amount. He walked over to the windowsill and sat on it, looking out to the grass outside. Sirius walked over to him, sitting opposite him, watching him.

'I didn't realise it meant so much to you.'

‘If it didn’t I wouldn’t have got my parents to ask, you knob.’

Sirius grinned slightly, noticing the edge to Remus' voice was a little less dangerous.

'Do your parents want me there?'

‘They said they’d love to meet the person I've talked about more than anyone else. So yeah, they want you there. But clearly, you don’t want to be there.’

'What happens if I slip up?'

‘Slip up how? You don’t slip up, that’s just not how you work. You flawlessly pull everything out of your arse, truth or not.’

'I'm a shit liar.'

‘Why would you need to lie? No one asks if anyone’s gay regularly. You blabbed about me to James without saying I was a guy.’

'And what if they caught on? Or worse, what if they  _ caught _ us?'

‘My mother hates the forest, and my father only goes in there to fish in the river. As long as we’re back by the time they give us, we won’t be caught.’

'So I just can't touch you  _ at all _ in the house?'

‘We can cuddle and hold hands. Just nothing people would find gross. My parents were… well, let’s just say they had fun when they were young, so they don’t care about how much people touch other people. As long as the intention is good, they don’t care.’

'And if they for some reason do find out, they're not gonna… tell my… are they?'

‘Never. They wouldn’t even dare tell them anything. They hate your parents already. Despise them. They wouldn’t even tell them where you were.’

Sirius' face lit up hopefully.

'They wouldn't?'

‘If that’s what you care about, then you’re perfectly fine. If they didn’t find out, they still wouldn’t say anything. Your parents will think you’re wherever they think you are yearly anyway.’

'So… so I'm safe there?'

‘Sirius… of course you are. My parents are kind and caring. They raised a werewolf instead of throwing him out, didn't they? They’re pretty great.’

'Yeah… Yeah! Yeah, alright. Christmas at the Lupin's.'

‘Really?’

'Yeah. Definitely.'

‘You don’t need to come. You already made up your mind Sirius.’

'I  _ want  _ to. Christmas with my boyfriend? A dream come true if you ask me.'

‘You’re such an idiot.’

'But I'm  _ your _ idiot.'

‘I guess you are.’

Sirius smiled and reached out his hand, placing it atop Remus'.

'You really  _ are _ my favourite, Re.'

‘And you mine.’


	12. Epilogue

#  **Epilogue:**

The spring sunlight was streaming through the curtains, and had lit a stretch right across Sirius' face, waking him up. He rubbed his eyes before opening them, before fully letting himself fall back into consciousness. He could hear the gentle chirping of birds outside, feel the fluffy pillow under his head, smell the slightly woody smell that he loved  _ so _ much. He was warm, and cosy, and had no reason to wake up, so he let himself relax back down. He rolled over, and the arm around his waist adapted and pulled him closer. Sirius smiled dreamily as he nuzzled closer to the figure next to him. It spoke tiredly.

‘Don’t you dare turn around and leave me, Lupin.’

'Wouldn't dream of it, sweetheart.'

Sirius felt a kiss on his forehead and he let himself relish the moment. Everything about it. How comfortable he was, how in love he was, how comfortably in love he was, and how much he adored it.

‘Is today a lazy day or a busy day?’

Remus asked, eyes half-closed.

'It's Monday.'

‘Busy it is then.’

'Bank holiday Monday.'

‘Oh… Could I humbly invite you to a lazy day, courtesy of the school system?’

'Could I humbly invite you to stay in bed with me until we get too hungry not to get up?'

‘Of course you could. Even though I'm afraid it might not last too long.’

'What? You want scrambled eggs?'

‘I’m hungry for kisses.’

Sirius rolled his eyes and giggled.

'Kisses is my speciality.'

‘Ooo, Chef’s choice.’

Sirius grinned and pressed his lips to Remus'. Everything was soft and warm and their mouths moved lazy and slow against each other.

‘Delicious. Five stars.’

'Actually, I think you'll find it's only one.'

‘I’m pretty sure it’s not that bad Pads.’

'No,  _ Sirius _ .'

Sirius' grin spread so wide it was like his smugness was going to break his face.

‘But that doesn’t make sense! How could something be so good, but only one star? Your ratings are ridiculous Mr Lupin.’

'No, honey,  _ I'm _ the star. Sirius, the dog star. Come on, you're the one who's supposed to be good at astrology.'

'It's  _ astronomy _ , my dear.'

'Yeah, well, not much good it did you. Not getting my hilarious jokes.'

‘What joke? There’s not five of you here. How can I only rate you one star if I thought it was so good?’

'It's not… oh fuck it, I don't care. Stroke my hair, will you, honey?'

Remus did as he was asked.

‘I’m sorry for fucking with you. I'm not really, but I know you’d slap me if I didn’t apologise for fucking with you again.’

'Don't worry my sweet. All is forgiven. Head scratches make up for it.'

‘I’ll always give head scratches to my good boy.’

Sirius made a noise suspiciously like a small bark, and rubbed his face against Remus' neck.

‘There’s my good boy!’

'Did you know when you married me that you were literally just marrying a dog, or do you just have to live with it now?'

‘I didn’t marry a dog, I married a star, didn’t I?’

'A dog star.  _ The  _ dog star.'

‘I married my best friend, my dog, my star, and my fiancé. Four different people. One less star than I'd give your dish of kisses.’

'You're the fifth star.'

‘I’m named after the term werewolf my darling. I'm not a star, I'm a weirdly convenient monster.’

'No, you're named after one of the founders of Rome, who just happened to be raised by wolves. And you're no monster, we've gone over this a hundred times, you're my gorgeous little nerd.'

‘I’m not little.’

'I know, I know, but you're less… in your face than I am.'

‘You’re in your face because you’re too attractive for it not to be a crime. I know I got hot in fourth year, but you didn’t do that. You just naturally look this good.’

'Oh come off it, I'm the one who married the hot teacher.'

‘Okay hush, I only bent you over a desk and slapped your arse with a ruler once.’

'Still married a hot teacher. You can't even deny you've got that hot academic aura, elbow patches and all.'

‘Shush. I've had too many howlers and Valentine’s Day letters telling me I should get with the sender, or asking me if I'd be willing to have a threesome with the girls in the room of requirement. No and no. Never. I'll have a threesome with a clone of you in the room of requirement.’

'Still haven't told anyone we're married then? I do so love seeing your wedding ring never leave your bedside table.'

‘Okay, hush, that’s because I don’t want to lose it. And anyway, I think most of the students can piece together that the counsellor Mr Lupin and the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher Mr Lupin are at least somewhat related, but also married, because of the way the counsellor stares at me at lunch.’

'Yeah, you'd think, wouldn't you? But nope. People think we're cousins you know? It's actually disturbing how many girls have asked me if my wife would mind if I had a little affair. They're ghastly beasts those teenage girls.'

‘Your wife would very much mind, thank you very much.’

'One of the girls once came up to me wanting a shag and I was appalled, half because  _ obviously _ I'm not going to shag a student,  _ especially _ when I'm already married to the love of my life and I am desperately gay; but also because she claimed that her mother knew me and had shagged me. Let me tell you, I was disturbed.'

‘Oh god, your part-time job. I completely forgot.’

'How could you forget? It was the literal  _ reason _ we got together.'

‘I like to think of that time as a favour.’

'Ah, of course. Not at all the fact that you were so desperate for my dick that you were willing to pay five times the price.'

‘I’d have paid ten if I'd have known it was  _ that good _ .’

'Cough up then, how much do you owe me by now? A good hundred thousand at the very least.'

‘Sorry, but I can only give you a gift.’

'A gift? I like the sound of that.'

‘I’ve already given it to you, so you already do like it.’

'What was it?'

‘The rest of my life.’

Sirius shook his head and smiled into Remus' shoulder.

'Fuck, I love you too much, sweetheart.'

‘And I love being your hot teacher Husband, my darling.’

They lay there for a bit, basking in each other's warmth, until Sirius finally stretched out like a cat and groaned.

'I'm hungry. I'm making eggs and toast, want some?'

‘Go on then.’

'Tea?'

‘Every time.’

Sirius smiled, kissed Remus briefly on the lips, then crawled out of bed. Soon, Remus could hear the kettle starting to boil in the nearby kitchen of their small cottage, and within a few minutes, Sirius was back with two large mugs of tea, before rushing out and back in again with two plates with two eggs and two slices of buttered toast. He crawled back into bed and kissed Remus on the cheek as he handed him his plate.

‘Thank you my dear.’

'No problem, honey.'

‘I swear, all we have is eggs and toast. I know I buy more things, but they all turn into eggs and toast, or well, bread.’

'That's because, sweetheart, I am a helpless cook who can just about fry an egg and put some bread in a toaster.'

‘Maybe you should stop moving my hands away when I put them around you and give you advice on cooking.’

'Maybe you should just give me advice without a distraction so absolutely demanding that I have no hope of hearing anything you're saying.'

‘Maybe you shouldn’t burn the eggs when I hold you.’

'Maybe you should stop hugging me from behind while I'm busy.'

‘Maybe you should take those words back, because I know how much you love me distracting you while you’re working.’

'You  _ know _ I love it, doesn't mean it's productive. I want you to be permanently attached to me like that, but once again, not great while I'm cooking.'

‘Great for me. Maybe you should stop cooking altogether, and when you feel like it, eat the meal that you always have on hand.’

'But if I stopped cooking, who would bring you breakfast in bed?'

‘No one, but maybe sometimes you deserve some  _ good  _ breakfast in bed.’

'I happen to  _ like _ eggs and toast.'

‘Me too, but I could do you a full English or some pancakes if you wanted me to.’

'I wanna make pancakes  _ with _ you. You can't let me miss out on all the fun of flipping them.'

‘The likelihood of you getting that right at any point in time is negligible. And pancakes are easier alone.’

'But they're not as much  _ fun _ alone, and life's boring enough as it is without being allowed to make pancakes with your unbelievably gorgeous husband.'

‘Well, I would usually agree, but I'd prefer not to be starving until lunch with inedible pancakes and pure carbon to clean up.’

'Have some toast first then. I want to make pancakes with you, so you can make pancakes with your unbelievably gorgeous husband.'

‘Who said you were unbelievably gorgeous?’

'You did. For about two whole years. Every night.'

‘Well, we’re past that now. Maybe you’ve grown older and got very ugly.’

'Nope. Impossible. The students still hit on me, I can't be ugly.'

‘Maybe they want you because you have hair they’d like to pull.’

'I'm pretty sure you only like pulling my hair because you're losing yours.'

Sirius teased and ruffled Remus' mildly receding hair.

‘Alright, be quiet. At least I wasn’t born to be eternally five foot six.’

'You're right, six foot five is much worse.'

‘Glad I'm not six foot five then.’

'Might as well be. I'm surprised I haven't started calling you the BFG yet.'

‘Shush…’

Remus had a thought pop through his head.

‘...Will you still love me once I lose my hair?’

Sirius cocked his head and chuckled, but his brow furrowed when he realised Remus was being serious.

'I think I have enough hair for the both of us, my love, don't you worry.'

‘But aren’t I meant to be your hot teacher husband? What if I'm not? Would you love me less?’

'Re, even without hair you'd be hot. And anyway, you'll always be hot to me. It's not like I'm gonna stop loving you when you're old and wrinkly. Not that I'm  _ ever _ going to be old and wrinkly myself. I refuse to believe it. I will be youthful and stunning forever.'

‘Or you’ll die young.’

'I think it's too late for that. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm pretty obviously greying.'

‘But it suits you.’

'You're too kind.'

‘I’m not, everyone thinks so.’

'Oh yeah, because people discuss the state of my hair colour a lot, do they?'

‘Yeah. Minnie and I do at least once a week.’

'Nice to know that she likes my hair. Do you think I count as a silver fox yet, or do I still need to wait a few more years?'

‘Sirius, it’s barely any grey. You need to be completely or near completely grey to qualify.’

'Oh well, at least I have something to look forward to.'

‘Maybe not. Maybe in the future they’ll invent something that prevents it… like hair dye.’

'I am not dying my hair!... Unless you want me to. I just don't see the point myself. Grow old with grace, I don't want anyone to think for a moment that my shockingly good looks are fake.'

‘They look fake.’

Sirius gasps mockingly.

'Take that back!'

‘No, I stand by it. They do look fake.’

'Remus! Stop being mean!'

‘They’re too unbelievably gorgeous to not be.’

Sirius rolled his eyes and grinned.

'See? Told you I was unbelievably gorgeous.'

‘Don’t forget blindingly stunning, incredibly handsome, and damn right beautiful.’

'You think I'd forget? With my very own gorgeous, stunning, handsome, beautiful husband telling me all the time? Nope, I know just how irresistible I am.'

Sirius winked at Remus, who chuckled a little in response. 

‘Hey, quick question, do you think I could get counselling? I do have a very valid reason.’

'Your miniature husband driving you crazy?'

‘No, not quite.’

'Well yeah, for sure you could get counselling. Not from me, no way am I being your counsellor, it wouldn't be healthy. But as long as you can find someone who accepts your condition or you find a way to talk around it, for sure you could.'

‘Not from you? That defeats the point.’

'How so?'

‘I need counselling to stop my urge to push my husband against a wall every time he bends over, and snog him like my life depended on it. I thought maybe a few sessions with you could at least help me do something with it.’

'You don't need counselling sessions to fix that, I can solve it for you right now.'

‘Really? Amazing, tell me your knowledge o wise one.’

'Just do it.'

‘I can’t snog my husband in front of students. They’d freak out, and he’d be embarrassed.’

'Ah, I see. Your issue may be a little more complex than I first thought. Well, I can suggest an alternative. Maybe not as effective as the first one, but it still works.'

‘Great, anything.’

'Shag him more in your free time.'

‘I have to mark papers.’

'Papers shmapers, a quick shag is all you need.'

‘Yeah… maybe a quick shag  _ is  _ all I need…’

'What are you suggesting, angel?'

Remus grabbed both plates of food and shoved them on the bedside table that was closest to him. He crawled over to Sirius, holding his chin up with a finger.

‘You know what I'm suggesting.’

'And I have never been more glad.'

‘Good.’

All in all, they had a pretty good day, and an  _ especially _ good morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)


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